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Sony Announces They Can’t Remaster Bloodborne Because Nobody There Could Ever Get Past Gascoigne

PlayStation executives announced yesterday at their State of Play Presentation that as a company they are not, and will not be, remastering Bloodborne because nobody in their office has been able to beat Father Gascoigne.

“We know the game has quite a few fans who are eagerly awaiting a remaster or PC port. Unfortunately, we just don’t know if it’s any good,” said Hermen Hulst, Head of PlayStation Studios. “We’ve never been able to beat Father Gascoigne. A couple times we whittled him down to half health or so, but then he turned into some sort of werewolf thing and we died pretty quickly after that. We think there might be an alternate way to progress if we defeat the Cleric Beast, but we honestly haven’t been able to do that either.”

The decision to not remaster or port the game also has a financial component, sources confirmed.

Hulst continued, “We just can’t invest the money it would take to remaster a game if we have no idea if 90% of it is any good. Have you finished it? Can you tell me?”

PlayStation Head Jim Ryan explained the decision when asked after the State of Play.

“It’s not all bad news, though,” Ryan said. “I just learned this morning that we definitely still own, and will enforce, the IP. So although you may never get another official Bloodborne release, you can rest assured no one will be allowed to make an unofficial release either.”

At press time, Ryan was seen watching a Bloodborne playthrough on YouTube to see what all the fuss was about.

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