METROPOLIS ZONE — Sonic the Hedgehog has been asked to look inward and understand his deepest and most firmly held beliefs, according to sources who also noted that patient confidentiality rules do not apply to animals.
“Sonic, when you first started seeing me you said you were just a guy who loves adventure,” said Ryka Khanna, the blue hedgehog’s therapist of six months. “But when I ask how you’re doing, you never talk about adventure, you just talk about how tired you are. Are you Sonic the Hedgehog, or are you Tired the Hedgehog?”
“Oh, yeah,” said a visibly exhausted Sonic. After a dozen sessions with Khanna assessing Sonic’s feelings on his career, romantic life, and sulfate-heavy diet, patient documents indicated it was time to move on to something deeper. “I mean, I guess I’m tired cause I’m always going so fast. Gotta go fast, you know?”
“Right. What would happen if you didn’t go fast?” asked the licensed professional.
“What? I have to go fast!” replied Sonic. “Something could catch up to me and make me drop my rings! And then—”
“You really think if you drop your rings, you won’t be able to pick them back up?” said Khanna to a silent hedgehog. “Plus, you have so many friends who can help you if you need it. Some would say too many friends. Really, I have your wiki open and it’s several pages of friends.”
“I suppose that’s true,” mumbled Sonic. “It’s just being fast is who I am. My dad… he was an Olympic-class runner in his day, but he broke his leg and everything fell apart. I think he put a lot of his dreams on me. The man would always tell me I ‘gotta go fast.’ He always had that damn stopwatch. I don’t think I ever saw him smile…”
“And you think maybe if you could just go a little faster, your dad would love you?” interjected Khanna. In response, the heroic hedgehog curled up into a ball. “You’re welcome to curl up into that ball if it helps. I just want you to consider that before we can save the world, we have to save ourselves.”
As of press time, Sonic was seen crying golden rings from his eyes, having been hurt emotionally by the spikes of self doubt.
Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!
