GREEN HILL ZONE – Sonic the Hedgehog held a press conference at Green Hill Zone to address an incident involving a player that occurred the week prior.
The player in question, Marcus Waterman (29) was playing Sonic with friends, when suddenly he went into anaphylactic shock. As his friends were attempting to save Marcus, Sonic was seen on screen tapping his foot, checking his watch, and impatiently gesturing toward the screen in a passive aggressive manner. Sonic continued with these animations until Marcus returned from the hospital hours later and turned off the console.
The press conference was held Thursday, with Sonic joined on stage by his partner Amy Rose and his attorney Big the Cat. Sonic read from a prepared statement, “I would like to start by apologizing to Marcus, a temporary lapse in judgment caused me to appear as if I became impatient towards you as your throat began to close from anaphylaxis. I believe myself to be a man of faith and my actions looked like I was not following teachings of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.”
After several minutes of contextless cherry-picked bible quotes, Sonic turned attention to his fans. “I understand some of you are upset and I am sorry that you feel that way. In an attempt to make it up to you, a percentage of all profits from Sonic™ merchandise will go to my newly formed charity Sonic’s Heroes.”
The Sonic’s Heroes website states that the for-profit charity was formed to “do important research into why Epipen prices are so high in the United States.” Sonic seemed optimistic the newly formed charity would make an impact down the road, “By working directly with our corporate partner Pfizer, we believe we can get to the bottom of why Epipen prices are several hundred dollars higher in the US than other countries.”
Sonic then appeared to attempt to go off script, “To be completely frank for a moment, I don’t know why this is one hundred percent my fault. He is the one that ate something he was allergic to.” His microphone was quickly cut before he could continue and his management team announced the end of the press conference.
Sonic was the only person to speak at the press conference with Amy Rose seemingly there for moral support, while Big the Cat was clearly there to slap the ukulele Amy Rose kept trying to play during the apology out of her hands. Hard Drive reached out to Marcus for comment and he declined due to pending litigation.
We were able to learn that the cause of the incident was a chili dog which we believe Sonic may have compelled Marcus to eat, thus making him potentially culpable.
