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Smartphone Neck Cancels Out Years of Wal-Mart GameCube Demo Kiosk Neck

TAMPA, Fla. — A new study by a team at the University of South Florida has shown that years of looking down to text on smartphones may be nullifying the damage caused by years of staring straight up while playing GameCube demos at Walmart for millennials.

“We’ve controlled for several variables in order to isolate potential confounding factors,” said lead researcher Dr. Melvin Owens. “It’s clear that neck strength is directly correlated with how many hours you spent playing The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction at a 75 degree angle.”

Smartphone neck, also known as “text neck” or “iHunch,” affects over 600,000,000 young people worldwide, a number that is growing every year. Owens hopes that their research may lead to new and exciting treatments.

“Our next project will examine the potential restorative effects of these kiosks,” Owens continued. “Now that we know they can prevent the issue, we suspect they can cure it retroactively. Emphasis on the retro! In a few years, I expect every physical therapist will have an assortment of therapy GameCubes available!”

The new study will also include cohorts testing PS2 and Xbox kiosks to determine if any particular demo kiosk is most effective at forcing a gamer to crane their neck for an extended period of time.

“I was actually incapable of looking down until about 2010 when the iPhone 4 came out,” said one participant in the original study. “When I was a kid, my mom would abandon me for hours and hours in the electronics section. My only friends were Captain Olimar and Billy Hatcher. I almost died once because I couldn’t look both ways before crossing the street. Social media cured me. Scrolling saved my life.”

At press time, several medical insurance companies confirmed that they do not and will not ever pay for a “therapy GameCube.”

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