LOS ANGELES — After a shocking report outlining the unfairly short timeframe they were given to develop this month’s critically derided Skull Island: Rise of Kong, game developers IguanaBee have now been given the Herculean task of producing a new King Kong movie in just three months, sources have confirmed.
“Oh fuck me, how are we supposed to do this?” asked one programmer with IguanaBee, frantically reading a screenwriting textbook. “I thought we were thrown into the shit when they asked us to deliver a game in a third of the time it generally takes these days, but three months to make a movie? At least we all knew how to operate computers. I got put in charge of writing a movie and all I’ve ever done is render three dimensional objects!”
The film, titled King Kong: The Return of King Kong is expected to hit theaters in late January 2024.
“It’d be really great if we could get this thing out sooner,” said Dave Oxford, head of GameMill Entertainment, the publisher responsible for the wave of rushed King Kong adaptations. “Would love to get our big hit movie out before award season. I had the bright idea of asking those dev guys if they could work harder, and they said they weren’t sure they could get me a finished feature film with convincing special effects in the two months I was asking. So I gave them three. And I ordered them to make it really, really good, so it ought to be really, really good.”
Filmgoers were suspicious of the upcoming film’s short production schedule.
“Whoa, that’s got to be impossible,” said local filmgoer Sidney Berman, of the rumored three hour King Kong film. “And it’s really unfair that it will come out and be the worst movie we’ve all seen in a while, and people will probably shit on the actors and the director and everything, but these poor video game developers were tasked with the impossible. I just hope we all remember who the real dickheads are here.”
As of press time, Oxford announced that King Kong: The Return of King Kong will be split into two films, “possibly more.”