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Six Months After Break-Up, Man Finally Ready to Romance Teenager in JRPG Again

After half a year of heartbreak following a messy split from his girlfriend, James Moore, 38, reports he’s healed enough emotionally to pursue a video-game romance with a Japanese high schooler.

“I was devastated when Jen left,” Moore said. “I mean, I’d just bought this beautiful yukata for her to wear when we went to see the fireworks together. But now that I’ve had some time to get settled with my feelings I can see that there are plenty of other fish in the digital sea.”

Despite some nerves around diving back into the dating games, Christopher emphasized his excitement at all of the new romantic possibilities available to him – both as a newly single man, and as the 17-year-old protagonist of a JRPG or visual novel.

“I just love meeting new people. There’s something so special about a first date: the nervous jitters, the shy glances, the looming threat of an eldritch god destroying the world or an animatronic bear making you all kill each other. I’ve missed it. Jenny never understood,” lamented Moore, plucking an errant gray hair from his beard.

Friends close to Moore expressed that they were happy to see him moving on with his life, but hope he won’t rush into a video-game relationship prematurely.

“I just don’t want to see James [Moore] get hurt again,” said longtime friend Greg Henson, 36. “These cute anime girls aren’t always what they seem to be. The other day he started hitting on that fortune teller from Persona 5, and I had to rush over and warn him that she’s like, 29 or something. A woman that age going after a boy his character’s age is just predatory and wrong, that’s why James [Moore] needs to be with a girl who’s 18 or 19 at the oldest.”

When reached for comment, Moore’s ex-girlfriend Jennifer said she wishes him the best, and is willing to testify at any future criminal hearing.

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