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Silent Protagonist Actually Kinda Chill Once You Get to Know Him

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Realizing his initial judgment of the character was inaccurate, local gamer Troy McKenzie discovered that The Legend of Zelda’s silent protagonist Link is actually a pretty laid-back guy if you give him a chance.

“My first playthrough of Tears of the Kingdom was painfully awkward,” said McKenzie. “Link didn’t utter a single word the entire time. He clearly had his walls up, but I could sense there was a deeper bond waiting to be forged. And sure enough, after 900 silent hours in the game, completely out of nowhere, he was all like ‘Damn, Ganondorf needs to take that stick out of his ass, am I right?’ and we both just burst out laughing. And that’s the thing about Link: he’s actually chill as hell. He’s also got this dry sense of humor that catches you off guard, but he only shows it once you’re around your twelfth playthrough.”

Nintendo game director Shigeru Miyamoto clarified that Link’s sudden talkativeness was a deliberate design choice.

“People always think we made Link silent so the player could project their own thoughts and feelings onto the character,” said Miyamoto. “But let me tell you, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Link can talk, okay? It’s just that most of you don’t give the guy a goddamn chance. You’d rather him stand there while you project all your bullshit onto him, which probably just makes it harder for him to open up. Selfish bastards.”

Avid gamer Ada Costello has managed to crack open several silent protagonists across numerous franchises.

“It’s all about having patience and finding the right moment,” said Costello. “You just need to learn what they like. For example, Gordon Freeman can talk physics for days, and it’s fascinating. And Doomguy? We’ve spent hours debating the merits of the double-barrel shotgun over the plasma rifle. All these guys are surprisingly mellow once they’re comfortable around you. It’s like they’ve been waiting their whole lives for someone to just listen.”

When reached for comment, Link said nothing.