MUSHROOM KINGDOM — After over 30 years since he worked the job, local Bowser employee Shy Guy is still living almost entirely off of residuals from Super Mario Bros 2.
“I was just a struggling henchman toiling in obscurity for years, when suddenly I got a call from my agent,” Shy Guy told reporters from his private villa near Yoshi Falls. “Apparently some tiny Japanese gig I booked called Doki Doki panic was being hastily ported into a Mario game for the west. I couldn’t believe my luck. From then on out it was smooth sailing, but I decided to mostly get out of the game while I was still ahead. I’ll still come back for a kart race or a party every now and again, but I’m offer only.”
Infamous plumber and hero Mario Mario expressed his disappointment at Shy Guy’s lost hypothetical career.
“I remember Shy Guy, how could I not? It’s nice to hear he’s living well, but I think he wasted a lot of potential,” Mario said. “I think if he kept at it, he could’ve risen to the ranks of a Kamek or even a Birdo, but he just sort of took the money and ran. I respect it, get your bag, but it’s a little sad to see someone just coast off of one early success in their career. I’m not saying he flamed out, I’m just saying it would be nice to see Shy Guy around more often.”
Super Mario 2 boss Mouser expressed his regret at squandering his legacy.
“I was in Mario 2, remember me? Mouse with sunglasses. Course you fuckin’ don’t. Nobody does,” Mouser said. “I was so sure that the Mario 2 gig would be my big breakout. I mean a little mouse that throws bombs everywhere? Gold. But I was cashing checks I didn’t have, assuming I was going to be in Mario Party or Paper Mario, but no, Shy Guy gets his day in the sun. A masked loser who wasn’t even supposed to be there. Now I live at a men’s shelter.”
At press time, sources close to Shy Guy reported that the Mario mainstay would not be appearing in the anticipated Super Mario 2 reunion due to a falling out between him and Pokey.