SAN ANTONIO — Local Shenmue fan Barry Cowner committed multiple OSHA violations on his first day as a forklift operator for TRC Electronics and Automation, sources report.
“I guess this one’s on me, but man, I really expected driving a forklift to be different than this,” Cowner commented. “First off, I thought it was customary to race the other forklift drivers, which is something the other employees definitely were not receptive to. I also assumed the forklift would automatically stop if I was about to hit somebody, and I was really wrong on that one. Overall, there’s much more of an emphasis on safety here than I was accustomed to. There’s not even an added perk of using this job as a means of infiltrating a local biker gang. Maybe it’s just not for me.”
Cowner’s foreman Roger DiBaftista voiced displeasure in his new employee.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had to fire somebody this quickly,” DiBaftista said. “The list of OSHA violations this guy already committed is off the charts, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. He didn’t follow our strict speed limit, he didn’t perform his pre-shift inspection, and he sure as hell didn’t ensure his loads were balanced. It’s like he thought he was operating under an entirely different set of physics from the rest of us. I even caught him driving with his load completely blocking his field of vision.”
Behavioral psychologist Jasmine Crenshaw weighed in on Cowner’s behavior.
“The inability of certain gamers to distinguish between their favorite games and their vocations is more common than you’d think,” Crenshaw offered. “The nation experienced a huge uptick in cab-related accidents after the release of Crazy Taxi, and there were numerous amusement park deaths directly linked to Rollercoaster Tycoon. Don’t even get me started on Flight Simulator. At this point I’m recommending gamers just stick to platformers, for all of our sakes.”
At press time, a newly-fired Cowner was seen setting up a Lucky Hit stand outside of TRC Electronics and Automation as a means of earning extra spending money.
