DENVER, CO — As tensions mount over the southern borders of Texas, Colorado senator and Texas native Steven Armstrong has announced that he plans to send troops to support Texas as well as going there shirtless himself if need be.
“We must be a nation of action and strength, not words and committees. As such I will be sending troops from my private military company World Marshal to assist Governor Abbott,” Armstrong said in a statement. “It’s time to take the American Dream back from the sick, poor foreigners and give it to who it truly belongs to: Incredibly jacked white men filled with nano-bots who deserve to think, act, and kill as they please.”
Armstrong also pledged he would become involved with any potential military conflict himself.
“Should the situation escalate further and my cybernetic privately funded soldiers not be enough, I will rip my shirt off and go down there myself to settle things,” he continued. “I have a Metal Gear and I’m ready to rock. The weak-minded libs do not know what’s best for this country. Every man must be free to fight his own wars. My privately funded army will get this done.”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott is reportedly happy for the help, releasing a statement of gratitude.
“Armstrong is a little too liberal for my liking but I’ll gladly accept the offer of his private troops,” Abbott said. “Unchecked military aggression is what this great nation is all about, not immigration. The people coming over the border are non-Republican criminals and rapists. We must keep them out.”
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer issued the following statement after Armstrong’s announcement.
“Rest assured us Democrats will not let Senator Armstrong illegally send a private military company to usurp federal authority. We will do everything in our power to make sure that doesn’t happen. We will hold various meetings, have various discussions with Republicans, send fundraising emails, and hope for the best.”
Armstrong assures Republicans that nothing can stop him from sending help.
“My troops will be there, I will be there, my shirt will not be there but my nanobots will. I will not let the Dems interfere in the great Republican tradition of tyranny.”
At press time, various overweight men with Oakley sunglasses pledged to fight alongside Armstrong and his troops.
