WASHINGTON — In hopes to combat the impending “woke mind virus” pandemic, the Trump Administration has turned Sen. John Fetterman into a Bio Organic Weapon (BOW) through injections of the Umbrella Corporation’s newly discovered t-Virus, sources in the Capitol confirm.
“We commend Senator Fetterman’s bipartisan support of this assault against the Democratic Party,” says Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, in between hiccups and belches. “Fetterman’s already ogre-like body type made him the perfect guinea pig for unsanctioned medical experimentation.”
The Umbrella Corporation, which was recently purchased – and litigiously amended to be founded – by Elon Musk, has been developing the t-Virus for years. The recent Fetterman success is the first of many attempted trials on Democratic officials.
“Fetterman’s musculature and bone structure were far more suited for the t-Virus than our last subject, Dianne Feinstein,” says Umbrella scientist, Dr. Emily Capone. “She was willing to do anything to keep a DEI hire out of her seat on the Senate.”
Sen. Fetterman, per the President’s request, has been stationed in the Capitol Building, patrolling the halls with slow, echoing footsteps, ready to pursue any Democrat who voted against the nominees for Trump’s cabinet.
“John’s a great guy. Big guy, strong guy, he came up to me the other day, with tears in his eyes and said ‘Mr. President, please inject me with the Trump virus,’ that’s what the “T” stands for, right? If not it should be,” said the President during a recent press conference regarding inflation. “But we had to get him out of those clothes. We had to. Did you see what he wore to my inauguration? He looked like Barron after gym class. So we put a little hat on him, and a big trench coat. I think he looks great, doesn’t he look great, folks? Now that I know this wonderful virus works, Eric and Don Jr are gonna have great futures here let me tell you.”
At press time, Umbrella representative Nemesis has replaced Doug Burgum as Trump’s Secretary of the Interior.
