IRVINE, Calif. — Employees at Sega of America are unionizing following a revelation that they were exposed to a lethal amount of Sonic yaoi, according to those close to the information.
“For too long we have let capitalism rear its ugly head, forcing workers into unsafe situations out of fear of losing their paycheck and being unable to provide for their families. It is time we use the power of labor to fight back and ensure that no one has to see drawings of Tails, pregnant, being hugged from behind by Knuckles,” said union president Davina Hansen. “Obviously, at a workplace like this, we aren’t saying that no one should ever be exposed to, for example, sexy drawings of Big the Cat. There are risks in this line of work. But we will not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. Shrek isn’t even a Sega character; he does not need to be in love with Shadow the Hedgehog.”
According to those familiar with the situation, the final turning point that helped the workers win the vote needed in order to unionize involved an employee who reached a lethal level of Sonic yaoi due to, allegedly, malicious activity from the company.
“I got home to work one day and immediately triggered the toxicity alarms. So they scrubbed me down and inspected my home, discovering it was filled to the brim with Sonic yaoi,” said Sega of America programmer Karen Smoothgrove. “I ask you this: how did that yaoi get there? I mean we’re talkin’ drawings of Sonic porking Tails everywhere. Stuffed in my mattress, in the walls of the house, all over the bathroom. I’ll tell you what: I think those fuckers planted it there. They knew I was looking to expose them and they wanted me fucking dead. Well it’s time to fight back!”
At press time, several Sega of America employees were hospitalized after googling their name and “the hedgehog” after it.
