WASHINGTON — In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States announced it was enabling God Mode for the Presidency.
“If the President can be held accountable for his actions this presupposes any other government official, elected or otherwise, can also be held accountable for their own actions, and I simply can’t have that,” wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, back from an all-expenses-paid vacation to Tahiti funded by friend of the Court and Nazi memorabilia enthusiast, Harlan Crow. “I mean, I’m an adult. My schedule doesn’t allow me to devote hours a day to getting good at this. I just want to experience the story of the fall of our republic while still spending most of my time taking lavish trips to the Maldives on someone else’s dime, and there shouldn’t be any penalty for that.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi decried the decision, and called on voters to give the Democrats money.
“This ruling is just another example of what is at stake, and why the American people must vote Joe Biden back in office come November,” Speaker Pelosi said as an offering plate was passed around among the press who had gathered at the Capitol. When it was pointed out that this ruling also presumably enabled God Mode for President Biden the Speaker rebuked the journalist, saying, “How dare you suggest that the Democrats use any power they are given when it’s available to them? In fact, we’re going to make up more rules that only we have to follow. We’re currently doing a Nuzlocke run on the presidency. Do you really think we’re interested in anything that would make this even a little bit easier?”
President Biden spoke briefly on the matter to press at the White House.
“The Supreme Court’s ruling today shows they have all the ethics of a corrupt chimney sweep, and the moral standing of a drunken lamplighter,” President Biden said. “There’s only one God, Jack, and his name is—I forget. The point is—I forget that, too. Something about achievements being turned off. Vote Biden if you want to get the true ending. I can’t promise it’s the good ending, though.”
At press time, the Supreme Court was hearing a case challenging laws against infinite ammo cheats.
