Press "Enter" to skip to content

Scientists Unveil New Pictures From Depths of Galaxy: “It’s Actually a Lot Like ‘Geometry Wars’ Out There” 

WASHINGTON — Latest images from the powerful James Webb telescope from the furthest depths of our galaxy yet have shocked scientists with what they’ve revealed: it sure looks a lot like those Geometry Wars games out there. 

“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Leonard Wise, an astronomer that operates the James Webb telescope and also played Geometry Wars a little bit when it first came out. “I didn’t even recognize it at first. I just saw a bunch of squares and triangles flying around and one little thing shooting at them all. When I described it to my coworker he interrupted me and said, ‘Like Geometry Wars?’ and I was like, ‘Oh shit, yeah, it is like Geometry Wars!’ We still haven’t figured out what’s happening exactly, or why or how, but it makes it a lot easier to explain to people. That’s for sure. Unless they’ve never played Geometry Wars.”

Geometry Wars is a series of twin stick shooter games that have been released intermittently since the series made its debut as a minigame in 2003’s Project Gotham Racing 2. Developers insist they did not set out to make a realistic space video game.  

“I still can’t believe it,” said Stephen Cakebread, the creator of Geometry Wars. “We just wanted to do a modern version of Asteroids or something, keep it simple but with updated audio and animations and whatnot. We had no idea that there were actual geometry wars being conducted on the outskirts of The Milky Way. That can’t be good for us, right? Are they playing Waves or Pacifism mode or just straight up? Oh, dear.” 

As of press time, the James Webb telescope had been mysteriously blasted to all hell while exploring the galaxy.