BRIDGEWATER, N.J. — Sbarro has once again been voted “Best Pizza for People Already at the Mall for GameStop Reasons” by the readers of the food blog Pizzaperlatives.
“Some people thought being mocked on The Office was as good as it would get for us,” began Sbarro CEO David Karam as he accepted this year’s award in the Bridgewater Commons food court, surrounded by empty tables and the occasional shrieking child. “But people like you remind us every year that there is no such thing as bad press. And that’s coming from a company that’s filed for bankruptcy twice. We love our customers, we love gamers, and we love that you’ll pay New York prices no matter where you are.”
A rocky financial history and food quality described alternately by Pizzaperlatives’ own readers as “mid” and “it was either this or diabetic shock” haven’t stopped Sbarro from winning this vote in fourteen out of the last fifteen years. Olive Garden’s 2017 write-in victory for its Kids Pizza has since been widely discredited as a case of ironic vote brigading.
“Yeah, Sbarro is fine. I don’t know,” said Pete Sobotka, a 28-year-old Sbarro customer with a plushie-packed GameStop shopping bag on his lap. “I don’t really do ‘outside’ like that, so when I have to schlep all the way here for a Pokémon giveaway that could’ve been done online, having a relatively edible cheesy treat available under the same roof really takes the edge off.”
Pizzaperlatives Editor-in-Chief Tom Attoli blames himself in part for “relatively edible” pizza like Sbarro’s consistently winning what he has long realized is an overly specific award—not unlike “Best Pizza Inexplicably Made Differently at Its College Campus Locations,” another category which Sbarro has quietly dominated for several years.
“The truth is, in the Venn diagram of pizzerias in malls and pizzerias with name recognition, Sbarro’s kind of the only game in town,” Attoli explained. “I mean, what else is there? California Pizza Kitchen? I guess that’s technically pizza, at least in a legal sense. But every year, the voting seems to suggest that people know to steer clear of anything ‘California pizza.’”
California Pizza Kitchen, for its part, has vowed in a press release to do “whatever is necessary” to nab next year’s prize. Its parent company Nestlé has already begun a hostile takeover of GameStop, reportedly with the goal of creating what it calls a “Cricket-like” presence for California Pizza Kitchen in all GameStop mall locations.
