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Sakurai Reveals ‘Melee’ Was Never Meant to Be Played Competitively or At All

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo designer and director Masahiro Sakurai revealed in an interview today that what many consider to be his magnum opus, Super Smash Bros. Melee, was never in fact meant to be played competitively or at all.

“When I designed Melee, I never could have predicted it would explode the way it did,” Sakurai said. “I did not design the game to be played competitively, or even casually. It shouldn’t be played in tournaments, or at home, or on vacation, or with friends, or alone. Have you seen that game? I meant it to be purely as a fun little experiment for myself to mess around with, but when I left to go to the bathroom Nintendo copied the code and shipped millions of copies. It saddens me when I see people get so upset about losing or the game’s bugs, as I just wanted the game to be destroyed once I saw how finicky it was. I would never ever release a video game that places Kirby so low on the tier list. I am sorry for my sin.”

Professional Smash Melee player Justin ‘Plup’ Mcgrath commented on the new information about the development of his favorite game.

“Yeah, that checks out,” Plup said on his stream Tuesday. “Come to think of it, the game is not fun nor playable. Most of the game is getting frustrated or being cheated by buggy software. I don’t think anyone was meant to touch this game at all, let alone dedicate their entire life and career to perfecting it in tournament play. Burn every copy of this. Please. No man should have to suffer like I have. I’m going to try to teach myself League.”

At press time, sources at Nintendo noted that Super Smash Bros. Brawl was also not meant to be played competitively or at all, and thankfully it wasn’t.