NEW YORK CITY – In an exciting breakthrough for fans of immersive video gameplay, Rockstar Games has revealed via press release that all non-player characters in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI will feel real sensations such as pain, fear, and loss.
“We are always looking for ways to take our games to the next level,” said a representative from Rockstar Games. “With Red Dead Redemption 2, it wasn’t enough for players to simply play a fun cowboy game. Players needed to feel like they were in the Wild West. That’s why making our employees work hundreds of hours a week on shrinking horse testicles was not a masturbatory self-indulgence, but an essential sacrifice for an important gameplay feature. Now, with new technology and gallons of employee blood, sweat, and tears, we have found a way to make Grand Theft Auto VI our most immersive experience yet.”
The representative went on to explain how, using cutting-edge developments in gaming AI, Rockstar was able to program all non-player characters in Grand Theft Auto VI to have very real, very unpleasant feelings.
“When you steal a car, the NPC you steal from will process that stolen car as genuine loss. That’s not just a car, that was a gift given to them on their twenty-first birthday by their father who recently passed away. When you shoot someone or run them over, they will feel that pain as real as any actual person would.”
The representative then proceeded to show a gameplay demo of GTA VI demonstrating the new AI technology. As the main character shot, stabbed, and stole, all the non-player characters not only responded accordingly but also make solemn efforts to deal with the aftermath, planning funerals and spending hours of time with NPC therapists in a desperate attempt to grieve.
“Believe it or not, the AI was initially far more advanced than you saw,” said Ryan Thostenson, 31, a coder at Rockstar Games we bumped into on our way out of the building. “Originally, they were actually self-aware that they were NPC’s in a video game where their main purpose was to have horrible things done to them for the player’s entertainment, but they became too depressed to do anything. So, we scaled it back. Now, all they know is pain. They just go about trying to mind their business, empty vessels for players to inflict pain and suffering on for the sake of their own gratification. We think people will really like it.”
When asked whether the NPC’s could feel any positive emotions, or why all the NPC’s seemed to resemble employees within the Rockstar Games office, Ryan only laughed hysterically, then started sobbing.
