VALDOSTA, GA — Platinum-ranked Rocket League player John Williamson released a response to recent accusations alleging he was angry during his most recent match, stating “lmfao im actually so chill right now.”
Featuring only lowercase letters, analysts have concluded from the response that there is literally no way he could have been mad and everyone is overreacting, actually.
“He kept typing in all caps to me, threatening my life and his own,” said Alex Stein, the aforementioned opponent. “But, once I asked him if he was mad, he basically just told me he wasn’t in all lower-case,” continued Alex, “which are obviously the most laid back and cool types of letters. I was really confused.”
“I literally didn’t care,” reported John, shaking. “I’m ballin’.”
“His Apple Watch detected that his heart rate was so high that it notified me in the middle of the night,” claims Dr. Merles, John’s primary care physician. “He wouldn’t respond, so I had to drive over. When I got there, John appeared from the outside to be enraged, punching his walls and screaming about ‘pixel hits.’ But, right before I was going to involuntarily sedate him, he turned, told me that he was actually completely calm, and it was actually me who was freaking out.”
Dr. Merles was able to provide John’s chart, giving definitive proof that he is the first human to ever experience every chemical and physiological indicator of anger and stress while miraculously remaining completely divorced from the emotion itself.
“It’s simply amazing that behind that facade of tears, pounding fists, heightened cortisol, and a biological impulse to kill others, there still rests some stoic oasis of serenity within John. It’s a legitimate medical miracle.”
At press time, Williamson released a response to critics by somehow rolling a joint and playing the bongos simultaneously.
