LOS ANGELES — Riot Games announced a new policy today, encouraging all new hires to spend at least a few hours in League of Legends before their first day at the office, to give them a taste of the overwhelming negativity they will be experiencing in the workplace.
“We spent a long time trying to fix the hostile culture here at Riot headquarters, but then we realized we could just prepare the employees for it instead. And it turned out we already had the ideal tool to do that. League of Legends introduces our new hires to the types of verbal harassment they will be facing at work, every single day!” said Jordan Mazer, senior director of HR at Riot Games. “The unrealistic expectations set by League of Legends teammates strongly resemble the unrealistic expectations we keep here in the office. Everyone in our office, no matter their title, could use a little reminding that they’re a ‘stupid fucking idiot’ every once in a while.”
Newly hired character designer Susan Connelly felt the negative feedback she faced when playing League of Legends was a great preparation for the negative feedback she received at work, usually for denying sexual advances from her boss.
“I’ll admit, I was slightly aghast when SonicSniper94 called me a ‘jizz guzzling fuckface’ for giving up three kills top lane,” said Connelly. “But when my boss called me a ‘jizz guzzling fuckface’ just a few weeks later, I swelled with Riot pride, knowing our corporate culture so closely represents the values of the League of Legends community.”
Veteran League of Legends players were not surprised to hear the news of Riot’s new policy.
“It’s a bad game for bad people, so I’m not shocked the company is also run by bad people,” said Alexander Sterling, five hours into his daily ten-hour play session. “I’ve often compared LoL to the sixth circle of hell. It only makes sense that Riot Games would be the seventh.”
At press time, Riot Games had handed out real-life Phantom Dancers to all employees and announced that holiday bonuses would be distributed the same way as First Blood bonus gold.