CHARLOTTESVILLE, N.C. — Local right-wing gamer Kevin Thompson, known in online circles as “TheReichStuff88”, has taken to social media to express his absolute befuddlement at Shadow the Hedgehog being the ultimate life form despite being neither blonde haired, blue-eyed or white.
“I’m trying to get into the Sonic series since the new movie is coming out and I hear it’s not woke like Mario,” Thompson wrote in a post on X – the Everything App. “But one thing I’m really confused by is Shadow. He’s supposed to be the Ultimate Life Form but he doesn’t have blonde hair or blue eyes so how can that be? He’s not even white. It’s just not possible for him to be the Ultimate Life Form unless I’m missing something.”
Other Sonic fans on X – the Everything App, were quick to chime in and help Thompson come to grips with the insane premise of a non-aryan ultimate life form.
“I know it’s a big leap in suspension of disbelief but they made him in a lab to be the Ultimate Life Form so I think it’s okay,” wrote user GreenHeilZone. “Honestly a lab made colored hedgehog is a more believable ultimate life form than a woman or alphabet person so just be grateful I say. It could always be worse.”
Mr. Thompson became so confused that he uploaded a video to his YouTube channel “DoTheReichThing” in which he went on an in depth investigation over Shadow’s claim to be the Ultimate Life Form.
“So Shadow was made in a lab to be the ultimate life form but anyone creating the ultimate life form would know they had to be blonde with blue eyes and have sweet milky aryan skin,” Thompson said, becoming more and more manic and unhinged as the video went on. “But Shadow is none of those things. He becomes white when he goes super but he’s not pure white and he has the red eyes of the devil dems. Sonic on the other hand does become blonde with blue eyes when he’s super but he’s not white either as his base form is blue which is the color of the jews so he can’t be the ultimate life form either because as we all know the jews are sub-human goblins unleashed upon the world by the devil. Shadow is also most likely jewish as part of his plan of vengeance is using a space laser. As are the Robotniks. The original prototype of the ultimate life form was the biolizard and we all know the jews are lizard people who control the weather and the banks. So the only logical conclusion is that not only is Shadow not the ultimate life form but the entire Sonic series is a highly clandestine operation by the jews to indoctrinate our children.”
At press time, Thompson stated to his followers that based on his findings he would no longer be getting into the Sonic series and will stick with non-woke games like Baldur’s Gate 3.
