WINTHROP HARBOR, Ill. — Local conservative video game enthusiast Kyle Sturver found himself arguing for the supposed merits of “Wolfenstein” 3D boss Mecha-Hitler, sources report.
“You have to understand, dude, that Castle Wolfenstein was in complete shambles when Mecha-Hitler came to power,” Sturver argued. “Operation Eisenfaust hadn’t even gotten off the ground, and Dr. Schabbs had no real direction with his undead armies. I’m not saying Mecha-Hitler was good, so don’t go telling people I did. I just think the whole situation is a lot more nuanced than the lamestream media wants you to believe. You only need to open your eyes and do your own research.”
Sturver’s friend Eric Miller reacted to this explanation.
“I don’t think Kyle gets it,” Miller offered. “Whatever minor good Mecha-Hitler might have done for Castle Wolfenstein kind of gets thrown out the window by the enormity of his misdeeds, so it’s not really worth bringing up. Can you honestly say the small amount of order Mecha-Hitler brought to his subjects is relevant when you can clearly see Castle Wolfenstein crawling with Zombie Guards, Pac Man Ghosts, and Killer Dogs? Anyone with half a brain can clearly see a place like that is not being run by a morally upstanding individual.”
Sociologist Zahra Brenner addressed the phenomenon of right-wing gamers excusing the atrocities committed by famous bosses.
“This is definitely something I’ve seen an uptick of in recent years,” Brenner said. “Whether it’s Bowser apologists saying the Mushroom Kingdom needed a ‘strong leader,’ or unabashed fans of Mr. X who point to the slight increase in bar patronage in Wood Oak City under the influence of his crime syndicate, modern-day conservatives are really threading the needle when it comes to examining these villains. In my professional opinion, they need to take a step back and examine these monsters more holistically.”
At press time, Sturver was heard saying that Ganondorf’s defeat at the hands of Link in Tears of the Kingdom was illegitimate, and that Hyrule would be a lot better off if he returned to power.
