WORLDWIDE NEWS – States of emergency have been declared as various cities around the globe have been hit by Richter Scale-shattering earthquakes after a voice call on Discord channel ‘Da Pisscord’, populated almost exclusively by men, was joined by a single girl.
“We believe that once the young men realized that a girl had joined the Discord call, they attempted to sound more masculine by deepening their voices,” said Dr. Albert Heidelberg, Professor of Geophysics at Stanford University and renowned expert on seismology. “As they kept talking lower and lower in an attempt to outdo each other, they eventually brought their voices to such a low register that it triggered tremendous seismic activity. Hundreds are presumed dead.”
Earthquakes have occurred in many major cities, such as Los Angeles, London, and every other hometown of Discord members on the call, reportedly causing billions of dollars worth of infrastructure damage and leaving many people without power or shelter. Military and emergency response crews have been mobilized in an attempt to manage the developing crises.
“That was them talking?” asked Jenny McDouglas, also known by her Discord alias ‘bubblegumzyns,’ the girl who joined the Discord call on that fateful day. “I thought they were doing some weird kind of Mongolian throat singing or something. I got on the call to see if anyone wanted to play Rainbow Six Siege. Next thing I know my apartment started to shake and all my pictures started falling off my walls.”
Experts have advised all male users of Discord to please talk within their normal vocal register whenever a girl joins their Discord call. Experts added that artificially deepening your voice is not only a threat to public safety, it also does absolutely nothing to increase your chances of getting laid.
“The earth cannot handle the weight of all the pathetically fake deep voices of so many horny gamers,” said Dr. Heidelberg.
“I don’t know what they’re talking about,” said Stephen Armstrong, known on Discord as ‘PepperoniBrony’, in a ridiculously low register as the room trembled. “This is my actual voice. I’ve sounded like this since I hit puberty. Guess I just have more testosterone than most other guys. Did you guys talk to bubblegumzyns? Was she cute?”
Before Stephen could provide further comment, National Guardsmen entered the room and restrained Stephen, covering his mouth with duct tape to prevent further catastrophes.
