COLOMBIA, S.C. — We all love a good Hitman mission. You get your intel, you choose your equipment, and you use the world around you to get the job done. Well apparently it’s not actually that easy.
I got through the lobby just fine, but it all went downhill as soon as I got any farther than that. I slipped into the sixth-floor bathroom and tried to knock out the janitor, but I couldn’t get a clean hit and then he laughed at me so I freaked out. I got blood all over his uniform so I couldn’t really wear it as a disguise, it was a whole ordeal I really didn’t expect. I stepped out to check out my options and this nosey security guard was all: “What was that crazy noise?” and “Hey, is that blood all over your shirt?” and “I can see the knife behind your back, drop it right now.”
Long story short, there is a pile of bodies in this bathroom, I’m up to my elbows in viscera, and I’m just stumped about where to go from here. Usually there’d be a convenient window or a woodchipper or something that I could pop these bad boys into, but I seem just to be stuck with a giant stack of corpses. One of them is my accountant, so mission accomplished and all, but I’m honestly not sure how I’m going to get out of here now.
In Hitman you just sorta walk off and all is well, but gosh this sure is more complicated in real life. There’s so much blood everywhere, and I’m pretty sure there are cameras in the hallway. My big hope is that these gloves and the sheer volume of bodies here will be able to cover my trail, but something tells me I’m going to have to be creative if I want to get out of this one with a silent assassin rating.
This seems a lot like the sort of thing people mean when they say video games can’t teach you everything. There’s no substitute for the real thing! Starting in a skyscraper? Not my best idea. I also think I could have planned this better. I didn’t really read the intelligence beforehand, which doesn’t really matter too much in Hitman, but here I totally missed that there would be so much security. They’ve all been dealt with, but I’m so wiped out now.
Nobody tells you how heavy a body is and I’m going to have to try and carry them all to the loading dock in order to put them in the garbage compactor. I think that will leave a trail though, which also doesn’t happen in the game. I guess if you want to be any good at something, you need to put down the controller and get practicing!
