WASHINGTON DC – The 2024 US presidential election has become what one report, supported by publicly disclosed medical records, is calling effectively just a high-level Worms: Armageddon match.
The initial report came from a controversial “60 Minutes” interview with the parasite responsible for eating part of candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain in 2010.
“I’m not a ‘brainworm.’ I’m a Worm. Very common mistake,” said “Scuzzy,” in an exaggerated Brummie accent. “My mates and I found our ways in there, we did, after old Robbie dug up his N64 one rainy March morning. Didn’t eat nothing, but we were a bit naughty with some rockets. Explains a lot, don’t it?”
The interview led to widespread demand for other candidates to submit to voluntary testing, which many did in an attempt to acquire material for sick Twitter burns. Subsequently, a shocking number of politicians, including both President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump, tested positive.
“Obviously, this is new territory,” said secretary of health Xavier Becerra in a press conference on May 9. “We’ve discovered that what President Biden has long thought was his stutter was in fact the result of his Worms calling in supply drops and airstrikes. Many of his recent gaffes and physical mishaps can be seen as the natural consequence of his skull hosting a 4v4 tournament match. It’s all very distracting.”
While Worms are naturally considered a parasite, experts say they are considered largely benign. Sufferers report conditions of brain fog, difficulty with basic geometry, and a complete inability to aim the Ninja Rope.
When asked for his opinion on his Worms infestation at a Nevada rally on May 11, Trump only mentioned the superior quality of his Worms vs. those of opposing candidates.
“Worms! They call them worms, have you seen this?” Trump said, momentarily walking away from the podium and doing a physical imitation of a worm to rapturous applause. “It used to be that if you had a worm in your apple you got rid of the apple, right? Remember that? Well, Biden doesn’t just have a worm in his apple, he has one in his head. Wormy Biden has worms in his head, an open border, and if he wanted an apple it’d cost twice as much as it used to. Other than that I say he’s doing pretty good though, right?”
“I have worms too. I do. I do, your honor,” Trump added, pretending to be handcuffed. “But my worms helped me. I know all the best worms and they work for me. And people know that’s the kind of thinking this country needs.”
Legal scholars note that Worms are technically British citizens, as they were created by Team 17 in Wakefield, UK. In theory, this would disqualify all leading candidates from the presidency by dint of being influenced if not controlled by foreign nationals.
“What’re you going to do, though?” asked Pod Save America co-host Jon Favreau. “Vote for a third-party candidate with this much on the line? No, I’m sticking with Worms Biden.”
In response, Green Party presidential nominee Dr. Jill Stein released a statement that she had been extensively tested and was found to be entirely free of Worms. This caused a brief jump in her polling numbers that was quickly counteracted by the discovery that she had instead been colonized by Lemmings.
