FLOYDS KNOBS, Ind. — The Hallow Medical Center is exploring a revolutionary new therapy for video game addiction after a recovering ‘Terraria’ player was approved for treatment, sources confirm.
“It’s been a long journey, but I’m beyond grateful to have made it to this point,” said patient Betsy Rellik. “It used to be that I couldn’t look at anything thicker than a piece of paper without feeling Chilled to my core. Yesterday though, I managed to hold a Rubix cube for five minutes straight.”
“I’m honestly ashamed I let myself get sucked into all of this,” continued Betsy. “One last update, they kept telling me. One last batch of content. One more round of bug fixes. Every time I walked away, ‘Terraria’ pulled me back in.”
As dozens of similar cases emerged over the past decade, private clinics have struggled with the surge in demand as well as a lack of consensus regarding proper care.
“We’ve had to tinker a lot with the treatment program,” explained a practitioner who identified herself as Nurse Lisa. “We used to stuff patients in this place called the Heart Shrine, but that had to be removed. Hell, I know one place up the road that got shut down for making dolls of their patients and throwing them into an oven. Burn ward had a field day with that one.”
“Still, now we’ve got a system in place that we’ve proven to work. Holding three-dimensional objects, watching movies with those red and cyan glasses, and for our bravest patients, several uninterrupted hours on the Nintendo 3DS. Sure, the 3D’s broken on it right now, but that’s probably for the best. We don’t want them thinking that all 3D experiences induce headaches.”
Even with cutting edge medical care, there are concerns at both the increase in cases, as well as the complex variation that may defy any ‘one treatment suits all’ solution.
“Sadly, this is a growing occurrence among the ‘Terraria’ community,” explained Dr. Drake Mire. “It all starts the same. Booting up the game, a promise to only play for a few minutes, and three days later your eyes are looking like Cthulhu’s and you’re double checking every snowman outside your house for firearms.”
“Not everyone develops a fear of the three-dimensional,” Dr. Mire continued. “Some veer the opposite way: nurturing an obsession with the flat. Shoving their furniture against the back wall, traveling solely along the X and Y axis, and acting like a real ‘dolphin out of water.’ One patient, some landlord prick, transformed a spacious two-bedroom into eighteen airtight coffins, claiming that it was, ‘valid housing.’”
At press time, Hallow Medical Center expressed gratitude for a recent seven-figure donation from Mojang Studios.
