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Record Player Can’t Get Through ‘Cuphead’ Soundtrack Without Dying

SEATTLE — An antique gramophone-style record player was unable to play through the entire vinyl release of the Cuphead original soundtrack without dying halfway through each song on the album, increasingly annoyed audiophile sources confirmed.

“Every time the record would get to a certain point on the third track, the needle would get hit by a tiny speck of dust that seemed to come out of nowhere and prematurely end the run,” said an irritated Edgar Linestown, owner of the antique record player. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy to finish a playthrough of this album, but I bought it out of love for old-school 1930’s ragtime music, and I’ve made it my mission to one day finish it. Until then, I guess I’ll continue to wonder whether I actually love or absolutely despise this damn soundtrack.”

Friends of Linestown shared in his total dissatisfaction with the playthrough of the vinyl.

“Even together we couldn’t get through any of these challenging songs,” said Jennier Dresenton, Linestown’s roommate and fellow big band aficionado. “I suggested we try playing it on a different RPM and that seemed to slow down the pace, but overall we didn’t get the same experience. Finally after many failed attempts on the regular RPM, we straight up started slapping the record player every time it died. That brought it back to life a few times, as long as we hit it just right.” 

Soundtrack composer Kristofer Maddigan noted the hardships many listeners have when trying to complete his magnum opus.

“Honestly, most people have a difficult time even getting through the version even on Spotify,” Maddigan said. “These carefully assembled throwback compositions are a huge change of scenery compared to more modern synth-based gaming soundtracks. But trust me, it’s an incredibly satisfying feeling after you successfully make it through all four records of the anthology. All you have to do is spend hours upon hours racking your brain around it and just power through. The constant frustration and disappointment is all part of the magic of the Cuphead soundtrack.”

After several hundred more unsuccessful attempts, Linestown gave up and switched his record player to the Stardew Valley soundtrack to unwind.

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