I sound my horn. Not just any horn – my big ass Dr. Seuss horn. It’s just a goddamn whirly mess of brass. Like, this thing was just a pig to commission, let alone learn how to play. Whenever I have to blow into this absolute water slide of an instrument, I need to be medically revived almost every single time. But my oversized clarion horn is worth it for occasions like this.
Upon its blare, you all come running to the town square, suspicion on your wary faces. What could the news be? Predictions slip out excitedly:
“Did we do it? Did we reverse climate change using only renewable resources?”
“I know! We enacted Universal Health Care, and it was actually really easy!”
“Wait – are we having another Community Paper Shredding event, since those are famously very popular?”
No, no, and no, my sweet children. Today, we celebrate the greatest milestone of human civilization –
The word “cunt” is normalized in mainstream pop culture now.
Yes. It’s true. And with this superpower, there’s one clear first item of action: ranking all the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe vehicles by cuntiness, just as Shigeru Miyamoto intended.
41. GLA
This is Mario Kart, for fucks sake – not the mobile order pickup table at the Sweetgreen across from Lockheed Martin.* Who among divas is picking a reasonable yet luxurious compact SUV? If you’re picking this shit, you have never served cunt in your life, your wife hates you, and you should probably check on the Stouffer’s lasagna you left in the oven because somehow, you’re about to burn it.
*I used to think “Lockheed Martin” was what British people called a noogie. Life is so disappointing.
40. 300 SL Roadster
Aside from having less creative appeal than your late 50s coworker who just got really into Hawk Tuah, the product placement here is just baffling. What is the ideal outcome of this marketing decision? “Oh, why did I buy a Mercedes, you ask? Well, I was largely unswayed, until I remembered my test drive of it in the fictional terrain of Mario Kart 8. Yeah. I figured those awesome features I loved in the game, such as going forwards and backwards, would hold up in real life. And they do – for only 2,500 a month.” Getting swindled isn’t cunt.
39. Steel Driver
Submarines remind me of the Navy. The Navy reminds me of the 2012 action sci-fi flop, Battleship. The plot of that movie? War. And this submarine couldn’t serve if it was called into battle.
38. Biddybuggy
The Biddybuggy is a car that only exists to transport you to and from AJR concerts. Do with that what you will.
37. W 25 Silver Arrow
This looks like something that you’d build out of scrap metal in the 30s to go down Niagara Falls. You will not catch me pulling up to the club serving Evil Knievel’s chastity cage. Have some self respect.
36. Tanooki Kart
A few bonus points for the black and orange tiger stripes on the spare tire, but ultimately, pretty cuntless. Seemingly created for the existence of “Lock Her Up!” bumper stickers. The Tanooki Kart looks like it would rear end me in the Starbucks drive through and then call the police. Very few redeeming qualities.
35. Standard Kart
Adults who say “pasketti.” Mr. Pibb. Kid who spills all that shit in the Bounty commercials and is never properly disciplined. These are a few of the things that the Standard Kart makes me think of. You already know what they all have in common: not serving cunt. Go listen to “Good Time” by Owl City somewhere else.
34. Mr. Scooty
Serving cunt is all about creativity. Making a name for yourself on this cold, unrelentless bitch of an earth. You know what isn’t cunty? Making that name Mr. Scooty, which sounds like what you call a dog who’s going through a really big “I’m gonna rub my bare asshole on this shag rug” phase. Why not Madame Scooty? Wheelira? SCXXT? Points docked for wasted potential.
33. Jet Bike
Looks like the first thing a giant squid would eat in the cold open of a failed Memorial Day Blumhouse release. Also, seems Republican. So no.
32. Sneeker
In her “Notes on Camp,” Susan Sontag writes, “When something is just bad (rather than Camp), it’s often because it is too mediocre in its ambition.” I see the vision — a glimpse into a sick, twisted mind, where one can drive a shoe. The artistic intent is clear, but not applaudable. I am embarrassed for its driver — imagining their view of themselves as an eccentric, self-expressionist pioneer, when all they are now is a foot. Get out of here, Foot Locker. Your time is up.
31. Pipe Frame
An unflattering mockery of the divine form of a bumper car, mixed with a perverted twist on the “live, laugh, love” infinity symbol (that’s not an 8 on the front, trust me guys). Attempts to be unique, but serves Hobby Lobby. Next.
30. Standard ATV
This is the vehicle equivalent of that one photographer you know whose only credits are taking naked photos of women in the desert. It is uninspiring to me, both fashionably and politically, and the absence of a statement is, in itself, a statement. A statement that I am not willing to entertain on my very important ranked list of Mario Kart cuntiness.
29. Tri-Speeder
Love the mushrooms on the cylinder, but unfortunately, it’s giving “Ru Paul’s fracking empire.” Enough said.
28. Sport Bike
Nothing special on its own. But now, imagine it’s April 18, 1775, and Paul Revere is shredding through Lexington on this hot piece of vehicular ass. He’s yelling something, but you’re not listening. All you can focus on is how sweet his ride is. Damn. Maybe the bike isn’t serving, but he is and that makes it a bit better, right?
27. B-Dasher
Red stripe is cute, but not serving. Ultimately, it’s giving “thing I would accidentally swallow, not realizing scientists are investigating my insides Magic School Bus style.” I don’t care if this is Mario’s default vehicle – the only good taste he’s ever had in his life is choosing Princess Peach.
26. Sports Coupe
This car feels like it has attitude, but less in a “serving cunt” way and more in a “the driver of this must be pretty fucking annoying” way. This car was made to blast Russ on residential streets after 10pm and yell at minimum wage coffee workers over the sourcing of their in-house hemp milk. I don’t care if it reminds you of a bumblebee. This car was one of the singers in the celebrity pandemic cover of “Imagine.” Expand your mind.
25. Standard Bike
The standard bike could be giving Americana cunt: PBR tallboys, camo, Marlboro reds. But the line between serving Ethel Cain and serving your weird uncle who goes to town hall meetings just to blow off some steam is thin. It depends where the bike toes.
24. Blue Falcon
Looks like something that, as a kid, I would dream of putting in my mouth and chewing like a fruit snack, so that counts for something, I guess. The Blue Falcon is cunty in the way an opaque blue Scooby Doo fruit snack is – less aspiration, more intrigue.
23. Circuit Special
A bit more elevation due to rich sapphire color, but lacking the démesuré that screams “I need to listen to Rico Nasty right now or I will harm myself and others.” However, the front looks like a really pointy thong, which is a huge plus for people really into 240p booty.
22. Comet
That little front wheel is doing all of the lifting. Sleek, nothing new. God. I’m so hungry. I can’t think. Writing this article is the literary equivalent of when Lois and Clark had to do that long ass walk for no reason, or whatever happened there. Mobile ordering Jersey Mikes as we speak.
21. Varmint
This vehicle isn’t much to write home about (you know how you typically write home about all the cool shit you see?). But the name. OH that NAME. God, is it good. “Hopping in the varmint xoxo” sent from an LG ChocolateSlide is the cuntiest way possible to leave the function. Too bad it looks like someone tried to make a banana in Minecraft.
Also, I’m eating my sandwich. So, I guess I’m ranking this one higher because of positive associations.
20. Mach 8
Serves as much cunt as a mid 2010s Coldplay song. Specifically, “Paradise.” I remember listening to that song, and developing my first feelings of embarrassment towards being a woman. Specifically, Chris Martin’s woman, even though he refers to all women as girls. I don’t trust men who do that.
Anyways. I digress. This vehicle is fugly as hell.
19. Master Cycle
Treading on the cusp of camp, the Master Cycle has elements that are bogged down by an actively anti-cunt brutalist, postmodern aesthetic. It reminds me of something that the police would ride on in a Denis Villeneuve movie and it would ultimately confuse me, because for a movie set in the future, why do we need to replicate the shape of horses, the oldest mode of transportation ever? However, I will give it points for being animated in Skyward Sword style as opposed to the basic 3D rendering of most Mario Kart vehicles. Someone tried something here.
18. Gold Standard
Despite having a name that is reminiscent of a Cracker Barrel premium lunch special, the Gold Standard intrigues me. It serves cunt, I suppose, the way the following things do: Shein hauls, cubic zirconia, and Paris-themed bedrooms. It feels like it wants too badly to be too much, while being a simulacra of its own excess.
I feel the perceived “cuntiness” does not come from genuine confidence and uniqueness in the Gold Standard’s life. It is a thinly veiled replication of elegance, and all who sit in it become stained with the saccharine residue of its failure to make any meaningful artistic statement.
17. Bone Rattler
Bone Rattler. Bone R attler. Bone R. Boner.
16. Inkstriker
Versatile, loud and proud, and literally sprays color — the Inkstriker doesn’t quite serve cunt, but it slays in a respectful, non-controversial way. This is the car equivalent of your well-meaning aunt buying you suspenders from the Target pride collection. You’re not gonna wear them because you’re 25, but it’s the thought that counts.
15. Landship
It’s giving “over-prepared for an extremely niche pirate themed 30th birthday party in Bushwick,” and honestly, it serves! Maybe not full cunt, but everyone knows that pirates slay from the theatrics of swashbuckling to the horde of cats they kept on board. Come on. Landship has CANNONS, with sleek wood paneling. Despite giving off a “Loungefly backpacks and hidden mickeys” aura, it’s innovative and a win for Kiera Knightly lovers everywhere.
14. Streetle
Despite having a name that sounds like a slur, Streetle kind of…serves? I could see myself going to the thrift in this, and loading it back up with weirdly-hemmed skirts that I’ll make into tube tops and wear nowhere. Streetle is for the folks who love an iced lavender oat matcha and are really into Calico Critters. Good for you! I hope you liked the new Clairo album!
13. Master Cycle Zero
Sleek, great at off-roading, and visually reminiscent of Grimes’ early career, Master Cycle Zero certainly brings a lot to the table.
But in Katy Perry’s 2013 manifesto “Dark Horse,” rapper Juicy J proclaims a lyric that has perplexed me for over a decade: “That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor/she can be my sleeping beauty/I’m gonna put her in a coma.” I can’t help but think that this objectively un-cunty line was inspired by Link’s Master Cycle Zero, and therefore, in good faith, I cannot rank it higher.
12. The Duke
Okay, Violet Beauregarde! The Duke is literally royalty in similar build to the Shooting Star from MK Wii, a bike that glows purple and syncs lights with the music borders into cunty terrain. However, aside from looking like something that Hagrid from Harry Potter would drive if AND ONLY IF he got a septum ring, it falls flat in the “innovation” category.
11. Yoshi Bike
1970s American journalist Jack Babuscio once stated that “Irony is the subject matter of camp.” And to that, I say — what is more ironic than driving a bike shaped exactly like you? This is the equivalent of designing a figurehead in your image as a ship’s captain, placing a bust of your form on the front porch of your house. Even though it may not be the most original (I mean, real Yoshi IS right there), it shows a self-love from Yoshi that serves cunt in its camp inspiration.
10. Teddy Buggy
An unexpected pick, but cutesy is cunty! Jellycats! Sanrio plushies! Björk’s swan dress at the 73rd Academy Awards! Coquette and tasteful. If I had a Dave Matthews Band-inspired sewage spill, this would be the vehicle I’d choose to dump 400 lbs of my shit onto the innocent bystanders of the Chicago river.
9. Prancer
Named after the second most queer coded of Santa’s Reindeer and reminiscent of Zendaya’s show-stopping Met Gala Cinderella, Prancer serves an appropriate level of cunt. Being inside of a pumpkin gives Old Mother Hubbard realness, and she served in a Grimms Brothers honoring way, which is more than most vehicles can say.
8. P Wing
Serves.
Man. What the fuck am I doing. I’ve been talking about serving cunt for so long. I have a MacBook Air. Cavemen couldn’t dream of the world at my fingertips and this is what I use it for? To run PAGES, not even WORD, and write this pathetic attempt at journalism? I should do a crossword. Talk to an old person. Anything. Anything at this point.
7. Splat Buggy
In terms of chaos, it’s giving Fergie’s National Anthem meets extremely tailored corporate graffiti. The Splat Buggy serves cunt in a way that promotes creative thinking and collaboration in the workplace. I would not be surprised to find its aesthetic design on a Trader Joe’s featured product sign and it would convince me to buy Everything But the Bagel Seasoning.
6. Isabelle’s Scooter
Leaf wheels. Paper glider. Unique. Innovative. And all tailored by fierce civil servant, snatched button-up wearing, PTO using glamzilla Isabelle. Seeing her sky-high ponytail flip through the wind as she sails by you on a polka dot scooter is an honor for which you should all be grateful.
5. Koopa Clown
Have you ever wondered, “How can I serve cunt in a way that honors my local improv theater?” The answer: pulling up in the Koopa Clown. It’s expressive, wears its emotions on its proverbial sleeve, and ultimately, is a performer begging for you to suggest a game of “World’s Worst.” She’s a baddie with range, and she’s not afraid to tell you how she feels. Confidence is key to serving, and Koopa Clown breathes it.
4. Wild Wiggler
In the words of Chappell Roan, “I need a super graphic ultra modern girl like me.” And Wild Wiggler is in fact that girl. Every child who grew up to slay on the daily had a kinship to the Wiggler’s form. Although they can be angry (rightfully, when you step on them), they strut in their beautiful velvet Chelsea boots, grow a flower from their head, and face each day with their chin up high.
The Wild Wiggler is a vehicle that reminds me of the transformative quote found on every AI generated Marilyn Monroe Facebook posts your twice-divorced aunt makes: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” And damn, was she right.
3. Badwagon
Bad bitches to the left, money bitches to the right. The Badwagon, as titled, is only for baddies. If you do not serve cunt, your face will melt off like that guy in Indiana Jones if you try to look at it. The Badwagon is for girls that appreciate a crisp Diet Coke. That would never be caught dead in a Shein dress. That think Daisy Duck deserved better than her loser war criminal boyfriend, Donald. The Badwagon is for queens with a communications degree that never wash their bangs and are very polite to waitstaff. All in Roy Koopa’s extremely pointy ass sunglasses.
2. Flame Rider
Your busted ass is walking through the Coconut Mall, starving for whatever fucking food they serve there. Jesus. It’s just gonna be an Auntie’s Annie’s, isn’t it? That’s not a meal. That’s a piece of bread all contorted and shit. Jesus. You need protein. You begin to fade.
Then, you hear it. The opening drums of Azalea Banks’ 212. In the distance, you clock it, a motorcycle, bedazzled with flames, drifting to your rescue and living the fantasy all at once. “What is it carrying down the malls’ runway?” you ask yourself. Oh my god. It’s a fucking piece of Sbarro Pizza. Maybe queens do lift up other queens, after all.
Before you can say thank you, the vehicle zooms off, into the mirage it came from. You smile. Life really does have little miracles, after all.
1. Cat Cruiser
THE It Girl. The queen of your dreams. Hustling that kitty like it’s a full-time job, the Cat Cruiser is the biblically-accurate, never-before-served, face-beating, singles-throwing, line-bumping epitome of serving cunt after cunt after cunt. She’s sassy. She’s got nerve. She’s your favorite vehicle’s favorite vehicle. So go – hop in and drive into the sun, just like they did at the end of Grease. Who cares if you fucking explode. To die in the Cat Cruiser is a privilege greater than life itself – and maybe, just maybe – you’ve earned it.
