NORTHWICK, Ancient Lands — Residents of the Ancient Lands who have been waiting centuries for the arrival of local hero Giroldus Darksbane are dismayed that there was no mention in their ancestral prophecy that he would spend five hours stuck on a basic rock-sliding puzzle required to gain access to the shadowy dungeon on the edge of town, sources say.
“We have been surveying Lord Darksbane for his entire journey, and I’ve gotta say we’re all starting to get pretty bummed out,” said town elder Ebras Odisorin. “The prophecy foretold that our daring hero would bring about an era of peace, but it didn’t say anything about the equally long era of puzzle-solving before that. I don’t know what the Gods were doing while doling out divine gifts and prophetic visions, but they really missed the mark in terms of wisdom with this one.”
The supposed hero is still trying to pass the puzzle and continue on his journey.
“I’ve tried every single combination of rock arrangements,” an exhausted Darksbane confessed. “I had it going clockwise and that didn’t work, counter-clockwise was also a no-go. I’ve even tried forcing my body through the cracks between the rocks. I was certain my body would fit, I mean, just look at the size of the gap! I think if I can’t figure this out in the next ten minutes I might just give up on this place and go try to save another realm instead.”
The evil warlock Quintus Ash is conflicted by the recent delay in the hero’s ascension to power.
“It’s been boring waiting around for that guy to figure out the rock thing,” Ash said while decimating a town with his staff, “I feel like I’ve won, but I never really expected I would. I had my dying monologue all ready and everything! Maybe I could’ve become a recurring nightmarish threat to his bloodline via reincarnation, but that’s all out the window if he can’t even kill me once in the first place. Well, at least now I know what world domination feels like! Not bad!”
At press time, The Gods have announced they are updating the prophecy to include that some heroes may not get too far and give up.
