NEW YORK — After 38 years of unsuccessfully pursuing the criminal mastermind, Carmen Sandiego, The Chief of ACME Detective Agency has offered the world’s top GeoGuessers $100,000 if they can locate the villainous crook.
“Greetings Gumshoes! Carmen Sandieo and her gallery of rogues have struck again! This time they have David Copperfeild-ed Lady Liberty herself!” bellowed the chief over a closed circuit broadcast. “It is up to you recruits, I’m told you are the cream of the crop when it comes to sleuthing on the internet, and I need to sleuthiest of sleuths in order to apprehend the wicked thief, Carmen Sandiego. Your mission gumshoes, locate Lady Liberty, return her to New York City, and capture Carmen Sandiego!”
Since the mid 1980s, Carmen Sandiego has had a knack for fleecing foreign dignitaries and usurping the world’s most iconic monuments and wonders. Her deplorable endeavors – all carried out in her iconic red fedora and overcoat – have always been one step ahead of ACME, an agency that, up until now, was employed entirely by children.
“It was cheap labor,” said one producer of the beloved 90s game show, ‘Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.’ “We thought if we made it seem like a game, with simple math and geography questions, we could squeeze all the information we could out of these kids. 115 episodes later we were no closer to catching that devious devil, Carmen Sandiego.”
The three GeoGuessers tasked with this mission have made a career of identifying hard to find places, locating the setting of iconic memes, and making blind geographic assumptions based on minimal vegetation.
“I could show you where your grandparents got married just by seeing a snippet of the marble floor,” said one of the world’s top GeoGuessers, 360GeoScope. “I know every inch of Siberia just based on the shade of gray everything is, but nothing could’ve prepared me for…Her”
The vibrantly colored villain has been a sort of White Whale to the GeoGuessers pursuing her. A frame of red fabric and a chunk of oxidized copper is all they could locate after years on the case. Some have even gone mad in the endless pursuit, hallucinating crude animations of the felonious fugitive walking onto their screen and stealing their cursor.
At presstime, all three professional GeoGuessers have been institutionalized with early onset Rockapella.
