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Priceless 14th Century Renaissance Painting Restored by Whacking it With a Wrench a Few Times

AUSTIN, Texas — The Aurora Baptiste, a previously dilapidated Renaissance-era painting in the possession of a local art gallery, has finally been restored by mechanic Chip Conagher after he smacked it with a monkey wrench three times.

“It was real easy gettin’ it fixed up once it came into the shop,” said Conagher after submitting his invoice for parts and labor to repair the 45 million dollar painting. “I just fixed it the same way I fix anything, by givin’ it a few good thwacks. Most things can be fixed that way.”

Conagher then went more into detail on his work process, which he says has helped him repair cars, generators, jukeboxes, sentry guns and fighter jets, among other things.

“Usually when something unfamiliar comes into the shop needing fixing, it at least has 2 or 3 cartoon band-aids in the shape of an X hidden somewhere on it,” he explained. “And then you get to point gently at that area with your wrench and say, ‘there’s your problem right there,’ which in my opinion is really the best part of the job.”

The global art community has come out in droves to praise for Conagher’s unorthodox preservation efforts, heralding the restoration as a perfect recreation of the original piece. 

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry when I first saw the finished product,” said professional art critic Renée Trombowski. “You would barely even know that it was just bludgeoned with a wrench!”

At press time, a highly in-demand Conagher had reportedly been called into a local hospital to attempt to revive a flatlining heart surgery patient.

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