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With Over 1,000 Pokémon, Game Freak Announces a Cull

KYOTO, Japan — During an impromptu Pokémon Presents on Tuesday, Game Freak announced that now there exists more than 1,000 Pokémon, it is going to start killing some of them off.

“After announcing we weren’t including every Pokémon in future games, people weren’t getting the message that we kinda just hate some of these fuckers,” said Tsunekazu Ishihara, President and CEO of the Pokémon Company. “Now there’s over 1000, and we’re all sick to our stomachs. It never should have gone this far. It’s time to start taking some of these guys out once and for all. And no, we can’t just ‘delete’ the Pokémon . We need to show you exactly what goes on when you make these kinds of complaints. You have forced our hand here.”

As opposed to the usual Pokémon Presents format, Ishihara gave the entire presentation standing in the middle of a dark room surrounded by the bodies of some lesser known Pokémon. A man in a black hood holding an executioner’s ax stood next to him, occasionally killing off a Pokémon here and there over the course of the video.

“I want anyone to look me in the eyes and say with a straight face they don’t want me to kill Sigilyph,” continued Ishihara, pressing a loaded gun to Sigilyph’s temple. “If any one person says that Sigilyph is their favorite Pokémon, then all I can say is I’m sorry we brought this madness into the world.”

Viewers around the world were confused at the drastic change in tone of this Pokémon Presents, with hopes for DLC or remake announcements being replaced with a lot of murder.

“I’m used to a little disappointment during a Pokémon Presents, but watching someone shoot Pineco felt weird,” said Michael Baker, a lifelong Pokémon fan. “That being said, they did say they were remaking Gold and Silver again, so that more than made up for it.”

The Pokémon Presents lasted for 20 minutes, ending with Ishihara getting on his knees and choking out a Sandshrew while the video slowly faded to black.

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