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No fucking way. I went onto my original save file of Pokémon Diamond to look around since only nostalgia has the power to make me feel joy anymore, and found this egg that’s been sitting in my PC since November of 2008. I have no idea what this thing could be. Is it just the Happiny egg you get for free? Is it a starter I used an Action Replay to cheat in that will corrupt the shit out of my game? Either way, I’m excited to be disappointed. Time to ride my bike up and down for like 12 minutes while I doom-scroll. See you guys in a bit.

Update: Oh my God guys, it’s finally happening. I looked back at my game after scrolling for what I thought was a few minutes, but turned out to be several days, and the egg is hatching. “Oh?” is the sweetest phrase in Pokémon, aside from maybe “Giygogagohgwooh!”, so this is a pretty big deal. Anyone wanna take bets? Personally, I think it’ll be a Jynx, because as a child I was also very confused about my gender identity.

I’m kinda nervous, though. What if my child-self left it an egg on purpose? Am I being a dick to myself? No, no, he would’ve wanted this for me. Or, he does want this for me, he’s not dead. I’m him, and I’m very much alive, especially at this exact moment. I can’t wait to hatch this and then immediately put it back in the PC, never to open this save file again, which is the Pokémon equivalent of locking a newborn in a closet, turning off the lights, and then moving to Canada. It’s not that I don’t love this Pokémon, it’s just that I wanna have fun in my twenties, not take care of a Pokemon with dogshit IVs.

Anyway, it’s time. Okay. I’m gonna press A, let’s see what this sucker is!!! Come onnnnn, please be Jynx, please be Jynx, please be Jynx, please be Jynx… Oh goddamn it, it’s Ahnold. 

I knew this egg was old, but I didn’t know it was 2006-YouTube-parody old. Well, that wasn’t worth it. Time to go play the new Pokémon games which look and feel worse than this one that’s 17 years old.