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Pope Francis Confirms Pikmin Do Not Go to Heaven

VATICAN CITY — Head of the Catholic Church Pope Francis publicly stated that the titular creatures in Nintendo’s Pikmin franchise do not go to heaven, during a public question-and-answer session earlier today, sources have confirmed. 

“Paradise is open to all of God’s creations, but only to those designed by his master hand” said Francis, answering a child’s question during his weekly audience in St. Peter’s Square. “The Kingdom of Heaven is no place for impious creatures such as Pikmin.”

When asked for clarification about this comment, a spokesperson for the Holy See, Lucio Padovesi, seemed keen to assure people the statement was a misinterpretation.

“His Holiness was simply speaking conversationally” said Padovesi, whilst scanning through an eShop listing for Pikmin 3 Deluxe on a staff member’s Switch Lite. “The Pope’s understanding of this game is limited, and at first glance these Pikmin appear to be more plant than animal. It is not difficult to see why they would not belong in the eternity of Christ.”

But these comments don’t seem to have been of any comfort to religious Nintendo fans.

“It’s the sort of thing that makes you reconsider a lot of fundamental beliefs” said Simon Yardley, founder of the blog Devout Gamer “Every time I watch their ghosts float into the sky, I have to ask myself where they are going if not Catholic Heaven. Does His Holiness believe Pikmin to be without a soul? If my church cannot answer these questions, I worry I’ll have to look elsewhere.”

Nintendo has declined to comment, and has moved forward with a lawsuit against the Pope.