WASHINGTON — The Phantom Thieves of Hearts, a group of teenage vigilantes operating in the Metaverse, have successfully defeated President Biden’s Shadow Self and convinced him to drop out of the upcoming election, sources confirm.
“This was a surprisingly difficult Palace,” said Joker, the group’s leader. “I thought we were going to be in and out. There didn’t seem to be much going on inside, but it took forever to clear it. We were right up against the deadline. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t understand the calling card, but I guess Jill helped him with that. I just hope his replacement is romance-able.”
President Biden was both relieved by the defeat of his Shadow Self and horrified by his previous actions.
“Holy cow, Jack. Why was I still in this race?” said President Biden. “I mean, I know it was my own corrupt thoughts manifesting themselves within the Metaverse and clouding my decisions, but c’mon, man. I didn’t realize how much malarkey was building up in my head. I almost let that alley cat win the election—and I’m not talking about Morgana. I’m glad the Phantom Thieves helped me out and made it clear that it was time for me to pass the baton.”
At press time, Joker was reportedly on a departing train when he thought he caught a glimpse of Hunter Biden standing on the platform.
