Warning: This article contains full spoilers for the ending of your parents’ marriage. And if you’re just here to see if they eventually get back together by the end, they don’t.
Whoa. Who could’ve seen your parents calling it quits after twenty years of marriage? Wait. No. Stop. I’m not doing this. I’m not spoon feeding you, you idiot. You would have noticed how unhappy your parents were if you had pulled your face out of your phone from time to time. Any fool with an attention span greater than a goldfish would know that they were just barely getting by and most of their marital woes could be traced back to you, Matthew.
Your dad didn’t even want you, but your mom persistently begged for a family until your dad caved. Out came little Matthew and all the trouble that would follow you. It was doomed from the start. You weren’t an easy baby. Restful nights together became restless and bitter between your parents. Mom went from wanting a big family to wanting to change her name and disappear.
I see you thinking about closing this tab, Matthew. Do not open Tiktok. None of those dancing teenage girls are going to tell you like it is.
Your parents learned to cope once you started sleeping through the night, but then you went and grew into a new type of monster. You shouted at them, threw crap, and broke everything you could get your hands on. Dad’s resentment toward mom grew with every Van Halen record you threw across the room. Mom began to question her decision making skills every time she heard your voice screeching her name.
Wake up and smell the coffee Matthew. This is important. That last paragraph was just 70 words. Can you seriously not focus enough to read 70 words?
Your parents once again persevered, this time thanks to ear-plugs and putting their things in high-places, but you again transformed into a being they were not prepared for. You became the self-centered twat that stands before us today. Take a look in the mirror, Matthew. You’re looking at a person who can’t be bothered to spend a few hours out of their comfort zone. Your mom tried to share her love for gardening with you. You couldn’t even pretend to care about her tomatoes. Dad rebuilt his Van Halen collection and tried to share his music with you. You turned right around and sold his albums for weed money. Your parents’ hate for each other grew. The only thing they could agree on is how much they each despise you.
I see that I’ve lost you again to X (you’re one of those cool people that’s still caught up on the name change, right?) Matthew, I just want you to know, your parents both hate you, your two new step-parents are also going to hate you, we all hate you, and you wouldn’t need me to explain all this if you weren’t a self centered leech on all your loved ones lives.
Also your dad doesn’t like that Van Halen record you bought him for Christmas, he can’t stand the Sammy Hagar era, you’d know that if you took the time to care.
