PEARL RIVER, N.Y. — Local paramedic Amy Rivera tried to resuscitate an unresponsive gamer this morning by blowing into him a few times, multiple bystanders confirmed.
“Gamers can suddenly stop working, but you just kinda grab ’em and blow into ’em,” said Rivera. “Usually does the trick.”
Diane Smith, a local shopkeeper, came out of her store as a crowd of people gathered to watch Rivera attempt to reboot the gamer.
“The paramedic seemed to get frustrated that the gamer wouldn’t turn back on. She was banging on his chest to see if that would restart his system, but no dice,” said Smith.
The CDC has noted an uptick in gamers crashing much earlier than anticipated, according to CDC Spokeswoman Dr. Wendy Adams.
“Gamers are highly susceptible to premature death,” said Adams. “So if you see one in distress, have an older cousin meticulously clean them with a microfiber cloth.”
Rivera continued to troubleshoot the gamer’s issues as he laid motionless on the pavement.
“I’m pretty sure it’s not a virus. Hmmm. Maybe he needs a charge,” said Rivera as she went for her automated external defibrillator. “Let’s give him a little juice.”
Diane Smith watched through her fingers as the gamer convulsed with 3,000 volts of electricity.
“It looked like he turned back on for a second, but it was a total fake out,” said Smith.
At press time, Rivera had just told the gamer’s family that he was busted and they should probably get a new one.
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