REDMOND, WA — Despite the prior announcement that the long-awaited deal between Microsoft Gaming and Activision-Blizzard King closed earlier today, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer has announced the deal will no longer go through after playing Overwatch 2 for the first time.
“I didn’t get a chance to play the new installment, and just kind of assumed it would be the first game, but better,” Spencer said. “I couldn’t be more wrong. Why is it 5v5 now? Queuing for a tank takes so much longer. I just want to hook everyone as Roadhog like the good old days. Not to mention Logan and I can’t both play tank anymore. He’s going to get to do it because he’s better than me, too.”
After finding out even more about the game’s development, Spencer increasingly became more disappointed with missing features and modes that were promised, including the hotly-anticipated Overwatch 2 PvE Hero Mode.
“Oh, and now the single-player mode they kept telling us to wait for isn’t even coming? It’s just this event bullshit! Where’s the skill trees? The customization? This really should’ve been included in the due dilligence we did for the acquisition.”
Overwatch 2 Game Director Aaron Keller spoke about his new boss’s frustration with the latest installment in the franchise.
“Look, we weren’t really trying to make a good game with this one,” Keller said. “We just needed to find a way to transition to a more predatory business model. But now Phil keeps talking about ‘broken promises, missing features, putting the players first,’ and a bunch of other nerdy shit like that. This isn’t what I signed up for at all.”
At press time, Activision-Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick declined to comment and was seemingly at his desk muttering something along the lines of “please never let me have consequences for my actions.”