GIBRALTAR — Sources from within Overwatch and Talon have reported that genius astrophysicist and tank hero Siebren de Kuiper, better known as Sigma, has been utilizing his godlike powers of gravity manipulation mostly to throw big rocks over and over.
“I can’t help but feel like he isn’t using his powers to their fullest potential,” said Overwatch member Winston. “He has the ability to literally manipulate gravity. He could reverse gravity and send us all flying off into space. He could increase my gravity density and turn me into a black hole that will swallow up and spaghettify all life on Earth. The possibilities are endless, yet he seems content to simply gather up a bunch of rocks into one big rock and throw it at my face.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that that’s pretty much all he does, but I can’t help but wonder why. I mean, you don’t need to have superpowers to throw a big rock. Mauga, Reinhart, Roadhog, I can think of several people who can easily do what Sigma does, and they don’t have superpowers. Just muscles.”
This quirk has not only been pointed out by Sigma’s rivals. It seems that his allies have taken notice as well.
“Sigma’s peculiarities in using his abilities has been rather disappointing,” said Moira O’Deorain, controversial geneticist associated with Sigma. “I had hoped his madness would give him more creativity in the utilization of a power as great as bending the force of gravity to one’s own will, but it seems my hopes have been misplaced. Instead, he throws rocks. Annoyingly, it stops my ult, but he is capable of so much more. Right now he is but another tank, easily countered by Symmetra or Zarya. It seems I have much work left to do.”
Hard Drive reached out to Sigma for comment.
“There is no obligation for the universe to make sense to you,” said Sigma. “The universe is singing to me. Can you hear it?”
Sigma then spent the next thirty minutes humming a tune and rambling in Dutch, until we simply hung up the phone.
