COLUMBIA, Mo. — While in the climactic moments of an Overwatch 2 competitive match, sources reported your cat innocuously ambled across your keyboard not to court your attention, but to stop you from throwing the game.
“You think I just want to be pet or fed, but I’ve seen you toss away easy wins by feeding the enemy kills,” your cat Kimchi explained. “Look, I’d love it if you rubbed the spot right at the base of my tail right now, but my main goal is to prevent you from rushing in there trying for an impossible triple kill when you’re just going to set back your team’s push until you respawn. Sure you swat me away from your monitor or set me back on the ground, but when I’m gone you realize that the other team’s Widowmaker had a perfect sightline into the choke point you were just about to mosey on through. You’re fuckin’ welcome.”
Players all around the world have begun to notice improvement in performance after taking their cats on as coaches.
“My cat Milo always loves to come sit on my lap or hop up on my desk whenever I’m gaming. I always thought it was because he was bored or just didn’t understand, but now I see he has better gamesense than I do,” Overwatch streamer Frank Kramer said. “Now I won’t even pop my ult until he gives his little ‘mew’ in approval. I used to choke when the game came down to the wire, but now that I listen to Milo I’ve gone from silver to diamond in less than a week.
At press time, a new study reported that service dogs will often bark to be let out during gaming sessions not for their own accord, but when they can sense you’re about to say something stupid on your Discord call.