Press "Enter" to skip to content

Opinion: Guns Don’t Kill People, Pokemon With Guns Kill People

After decades of public debate and extensive, wide-ranging studies, the data has finally aligned with common sense to present one clear conclusion: Guns don’t kill people. Pokemon with guns kill people.

I’ve been saying this for years and no one would listen. Well maybe now that this nightmare has come to life people will start to listen – military-style assault rifles only belong in the hands of basically anyone who feels like owning one, not Pokemon.

I’m sick of pretending that’s not the case. I don’t care who I offend.

Many online commenters have criticized the new game Palworld as a dumb gimmick or a pathetic cash grab. I think it’s something far worse than that, a warning. A glimpse into what our future will become as the core values of what once made this country great disappear daily.

Imagine taking your kids to the park for a nice little picnic, the sun is shining, there’s not a cloud in the sky. You’ve got two or three concealed carry weapons on you – maybe a few hidden away on your kids too. A beautiful, perfect day. Wait, what’s that? A Gengar with a machine gun! That bastard is already creepy enough with his long-ass tongue. Now he has a gun, think about it. Is that the kind of country you want to live in?

I have nightmares daily of Pikachu with a bump stock. I gave bump stocks to all of my family as stocking stuffers this year but really… Pikachu? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Look, I know some Pokemon basically already have guns. You look at Blastoise though and all he can shoot at you is a little bit of water. Super fast hydro pumped water, but still water. We’re not talking about .50 caliber, armor-piercing rounds coming out of those cannons.

What use does a Pokemon have for an AR-15 anyways? Those only belong in the hands of unstable teenagers and any other American shopper who just kinda feels like it that day.

To be clear: I do agree if someone can only say their own name over and over again they should be allowed to purchase a weapon without delay. But if that name is an un-American as “Snorlax” – no way.

I’m a big believer that change has to start with the Gym leaders. I’ve always said that. If they want to encourage kids to go from town to town collecting badges and challenging everyone that can see them, there has to be some regulation. We certainly can’t be allowing these children to hand a firearm to their Mudkips and Chimchars.

All I’m saying is that at the very least we have to control which pokemon we’re going to let have a gun. Before you give a 60-round magazine to your Jigglypuff, why not do a background check on them? There may be a reason that little guy is always trying to get you to go to sleep.

If you take anything away from this piece let it be this: Don’t give your Dachsbun a shotgun until you know they’re a good one.