PHILADELPHIA — Like the price of the Costco hotdog or the melting point of steel, the $60 video game has been a point of stability in the life of gamers, but all that could change, sources suggest, with the introduction of the $70 and, God forbid, $80 video game.
“It’s a slippery slope,” said trends forecaster Aimee Rorke. “Rising sea levels. Dehumanizing rhetoric. Anti-abortion rulings passed on high by unelected judges. I’m not talking about any of that. I’m talking about the price of video games.”
“It’s frankly rare to see a change this sudden when looking at trends, especially where it concerns essential goods like overpriced entertainment. We’re talking about a product that has stood steady at $60 since the industry’s and my own infancy. When you think of $60, what comes to mind? More often than not, it’s a AAA video game. But what about when you think of $70? Unfortunately, the answer can also be AAA video game – and that’s a disturbing truth to acknowledge.”
When questioned about the unexplained price hike, the response from gamers was one of indignation and confusion.
“This can’t be sustainable,” worried Daniel O’Poole, a local gamer. “I mean, $60 was already a big ask, right? And a disc is just a disc. God forbid you don’t own the $500 space heater that actually plays the game and drafts you as fresh blood for the Console Wars. If you asked me five years ago, a $70 video game would’ve been unthinkable. It sets a dangerous precedent, because like what’s next, you know? An $80 video game? A $90 video game? Remasters of 1 year-old games at full price? Where do they draw the line?”
“And also, what makes publishers think gamers will just shrug their shoulders and dish out $70 on a video game? The fact that we absolutely will? The fact that I’m currently frothing at the mouth for the sweet nectar of escapism that only gaming and its power fantasies can provide? Come on, man. What happened to the old unreasonable price?”
When asked for comment, one publisher stepped up to clarify the rising prices.
“Trust us, a lot goes into making a game,” spoke a representative for Blizzard Entertainment. “The simple fact is, the cost of production has gone up, all across the board. People put hundreds, often thousands of man-hours into the games and stories consumers love. Our game devs are heroes. What publishers want is to pay our teams fairly, to work them ethically, and if it costs 10 extra dollars on the backend? That sounds like a fair trade to us— and for gamers too. Yeah, is that what you want to hear, little piggy? Oink oink, now be a good boy and buy your $70 game..”
At the time of writing, sources indicate video games are $90 and there’s nothing you can do about it.
