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On the Cutting Edge of Innovation: This guy Just Found a New Way to Misinterpret ‘Watchmen’

NEW YORK –– Seymour Roche, a 38-year old Twitter user is breaking new ground in media illiteracy by finding a new way to misinterpret Alan Moore’s seminal comic series, ‘‘Watchmen.’ Blazing trails of misunderstanding which had previously only been explored by Zack Snyder and Damon Lindeloff, Roche sat down in a recent interview to explain his journey of bastardizing Moore’s iconic series.

“I started off like everyone else,” Roche explained. “I was like, oh, Rorschach freaking rules. He’s just Batman if he was a normal guy. Like, he’s just rational and everything he does makes perfect sense. Why would you cripple a criminal when you can kill his dogs, chop off his arm and burn his house down?”

Roche’s shelf is littered with comic books and a weird shrine to Steve Ditko––which he kept trying to avert our gaze from by aggressively coughing. “But then,” Roche continued, “I realized that I was off-base. 2009 rolls around and Snyder makes him even cooler than I could have ever imagined. ‘I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me!’” Roche shouted a little too loudly for comfort.

After readjusting himself and showing off his ‘Eric Adams for Mayor’ shirt, Roche detailed his second leap in the world of media illiteracy. “You know, I sat and reread the book a couple times. I just knew there was some subtext under all the cool scenes of The Comedian shooting people and Ozymandias dropping that squid on New York,” Roche explained, before suggesting that The United States should drop a similarly designed squid on the Gaza Strip.

“This book is really kind of about how utilitarianism is good, actually. I also played around with the idea of how Moore is actually saying that superheroes should be cops,” he noted.

“What’s really spectacular about Seymour isn’t his actual ideas. It’s the way in which he combines all of them to create this exceptional misunderstanding of the source material,” explains media illiteracy expert Walter Higgins.

“You see these really incredible things in a vacuum, like Damon Lindeloff using a Black woman as a vehicle for insinuating that cops are Gods. Really amazing stuff, but Seymour here is throwing all of these things together and really breaking new ground. I’m blown away by his thesis that Ozymandias represents not the Jewish cabal world conspiracy, but the gay, Eastern European cabal. Truly exceptional. Alan Moore would be disgusted.”

Multiple sources reached out to Moore, who promptly told them life is meaningless and we’re all doomed to burn for all eternity.

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