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Oh No: Someone Already Raided This Dungeon

NEW YORK — A team of dungeon crawlers were horrified after spending hours to conquer a local dungeon, only to find it completely ransacked.

“I swear we must have culled through hundreds of blank-faced basic enemies just to get to the stairway at the entrance,” said Erick Bonin, the party healer. “And then we get inside and there’s just nothing. No rewards at all, not a piece of gold or a pack of trail mix to find.”

Upon clearing the first level and advancing to the dungeon depths, the team was faced with even more enemies, and little to no reward in sight.

“Look, I’d get it if there were no rare items left,” said two-handed knight Seth Hudson, “but I was counting on this trip to restock my inventory. Potions…loose change…bread….Cauliflower Gnocchi of Regeneration. It’s all gone.”

Players all over the world map are reportedly experiencing similar issues.

“I’ve heard from my cousin in San Francisco that every dungeon there is open on reduced hours,” said local priest Annete Hudson. “Player access is limited, and the queue times pile up. Reduced access has allowed for the dungeon to reset, and the chests to get refilled by the employees there. People need to take this seriously. We’re playing on hardcore mode, not casual.”

At press time, dungeon representatives said they have adjusted the spawn rate of toilet scrolls from uncommon to rare, meaning they will only be seen in 20% of playthroughs.

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