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Oh No: Elephant Mario Has Been Hunted for Ivory Tusks

KYOTO — Nintendo has broken the unfortunate news that the Elephant transformation of Mario that was to debut in this month’s Super Mario Bros. Wonder has sadly had his ivory tusks poached, sources confirm. 

“Oh no, this is not what we wanted to happen at all,” said director Shiro Mouri in a video labeled as an ‘Emergency Nintendo Direct’ earlier today. “Somehow a play tester was able to leak a copy of the completed game online, and I’m still not exactly sure how this happened, but big game poachers have mercilessly stripped Elephant Mario of his two beautiful tusks. My boy, I can’t believe what those Americans did to him.” 

Nintendo has reportedly decided to release the game as is, with Mario now appearing tuskless, a stark reminder of the violent incident and continued practice of illegal poaching. 

“They took-a my tusks,” said Mario Mario, star of the upcoming Switch exclusive. “I have only spent a little bit of-a time as an elephant, but I have already been-a hunted by some of the sickest men on the planet. I can’t wait to get back home to the Mushroom Kingdom and eat-a some spaghetti. Maybe hold the meatballs.” 

While most at Nintendo were heartbroken about the incident, some think it’s being overblown in the media. 

“Oh, get over it, he’s not even a real elephant,” said an anonymous person we contacted online that was selling a set of “ULTRA RARE IVORY JOY CONS” on eBay. “It’s a kill-or-be-killed, dog-eat-dog world out there. It’s also sometimes kind of a dog-eat-dog-but-also-use-a-gun-to-turn-part-of-the-dog-into-a-hat sort of world, as well. Are you interested in the Joy Cons or not??”

As of press time, the NFL announced it was banning the substance known on the streets as ‘Mario Tusk Juice,’ after Pittsburgh Steeler defensive all-star TJ Watt tested positive for the unregulated performance enhancer after Sunday’s win over the Baltimore Ravens.