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Oh, Bullshit: ‘Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl 2’ Roster STILL Doesn’t Feature Artie, the Strongest Man in the World

NEW YORK CITY — The first wave of DLC fighters for the upcoming Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl 2 have leaked online, and I hope you’re ready to be disappointed, because they somehow still haven’t confirmed the inclusion of Artie, the Strongest Man in the World, from the 1990s cult Nickelodeon show The Adventures of Pete & Pete

“That’s literally never going to happen, and nobody that actually plays this game knows that Pete show you just said,” said director Diego Rodriguez. “I don’t care how many 40-year-olds tweet about it, there’s just no way a weird adult that was hanging out with schoolchildren is going to end up in a game with SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron.”

Several 40 year-olds that remembered that show The Adventures of Pete & Pete disagreed, however. 

“Yeah, bullshit,” a bunch of us were overheard saying at the bar. “Put Artie in that game and watch it become the biggest hit of the year. Artie belongs in the game. He wasn’t just the strongest man in the world, you know. He could also run so fast that he could track down the airwaves and help Pete identify a song he’d heard a neighborhood garage band play one time. Man, what a good show. Hey, what were we talking about?” 

Fans of Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl said that they wish its existence wouldn’t continue to serve as a springboard for empty nostalgia. 

“I had fun playing All Star 1, but every time my dad saw me playing it he’d take it as an opportunity to talk about something called Hey Dude,” said local gamer Porter Cole. “More like ‘Hey Dad: you’re bumming me and all of my friends out.’ Go watch Are You Afraid of the Dark? on YouTube and leave me alone, please.” 

As of press time, Nickelodeon shocked the world by revealing Salute Your Shorts’ Bobby Budnick as a future downloadable character, prompting the series’ first Mature rating.