I Don’t Like You Either, Pal (Guest Column by Myles MacKenzie)

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Listen up, nerds—and this time, I don’t mean that as a compliment. For weeks, the internet has been abuzz about my appearance in the Metroid Prime 4: Beyond trailer.

“He’s annoying.”

“Will he shut up?”

“I hope he dies.”

It’s become perfectly clear that you guys do not like me. It’s disheartening, but guess what? I don’t like you either, pal.

How dare you judge me? You don’t even know me. I could be a Galactic Federation bad***. Wouldn’t you feel so stupid if that turns out to be the case?

I don’t even care that you don’t like me. I’ve seen the things you like, and whoo boy, you should be embarrassed.

Sylux? You like Sylux? He doesn’t even talk. His armor is pointy. He might as well be a cactus. Is that what you’re into? Cacti? Sounds kinky.

Oh, wait, is Adam your favorite? Now I know you’re a nerd—again, not a compliment—cause he’s a computer. I might love computers, but I don’t love computers, if you know what I mean.

Don’t even get me started on all of you who like Metroid: Other M, unironically. I have no idea how to solve all of your problems, and I’m a master at giving hints. Maybe… try your missiles?

Do you feel big hating me? Is it fun kicking ole Myles Mack while he’s down? This was supposed to be my big moment. Instead, I’ve got a bunch of mouth breathers who call themselves fans of Nintendo’s sixth biggest franchise throwing unprovoked insults at me. What is this, pin the roast on the Myles?

You’ve replayed Ocarina of Time how many times? You’re cool with Navi now, right? Well guess what, bud, you’re just going to have to deal with Myles Mack, cause Myles Mack is here to stay. I’m a lean, mean, advice-spouting machine, hold the mayo.

You’ve waited eight whole years to play this game, but you’ve now got reservations because of my role as a side-character. Listen, pal. It sounds like you were already miserable before I got here. How about you spend less time dissecting a game trailer and more time checking the map? It might be a good idea to get our bearings.

It’s time for Myles Mack and there’s no going back.

See you losers in Smash.

Health Concerns Grow After Professor Oak Forgets Grandson’s Name Again

Posted on by Garry Kerls

PALLET TOWN — Professor Oak was seen visibly confused over the weekend after once again forgetting his own grandson’s name while handing out another Pokédex to the town’s newest trainer, sparking fresh health concerns from citizens across the region, sources confirm. 

“He looks awful! He’s asking random children if they know his own grandson’s name. The man is not well!” said Jamie Taggert, a journalist from Viridian City who covers socio-political Pokémon news across Kanto. “The Professor is expected to push the boundaries of the relationships between people and Pokémon, and Oak simply does not have the mental capacity to deserve that title.”

Sources close to the professor have denied any allegations that his mental health is slipping. Some have even blamed the radical left-wing Lunatones for spreading misinformation online.

“The Professor has never been healthier! He just had a check-up last month and the Doctor told him he has never seen a healthier person in his life,” said Malory Fineberg, Professor Oak’s lead research assistant.  “Any signs of forgetfulness is most likely attributed to a Drowzee experiment that was focusing closely on the effects of the move amnesia.”

Staunch supporters of the Professor have taken offense to the internet’s diagnosis, and have gone to lengths to defend Oak’s name on social media. 

“Not sure why forgetting his grandon’s name once can even compare to the years and years of sleepy Professor Elm turning the once thriving Johto region into a cesspool of illegal immigrants,” said one Oak supporter on a Reddit post suggesting the Professor should resign. “Accept it, he’s your town’s professor, get over it, you lost, we won.”

At press time, one local 10-year-old has reminded Professor Oak that his grandson’s name is BUTTFACE. 

Guy with 5 Likes on Letterboxd Feeling Pretty High and Mighty

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TORONTO — Local cinephile Ryan Marks is proclaiming himself to be the next Roger Ebert after he received five likes on his Letterboxd review of the 1999 film The Mummy.

“I am a taste maker. My word is gospel in film circles now. When I watch a movie, people yearn to know my thoughts. Without my valuable input people wouldn’t know whether a movie is worth their valuable time. For years people have wondered who the next great film critic would be, the one who everyone goes to. Well it is I, the next Roger Ebert has arrived. I am now the foremost authority on the art of film and my words will be known,” wrote Marks on social media while bragging about how many likes his review got.

Marks’ friends and family have said he has become insufferable to be around since he acquired so many likes.

“He’s started to talk in a fake posh accent. Whenever someone brings up a movie he takes over the conversation saying he knows more than us,” said Gus, one of Marks’ few remaining friends. “If we disagree with hims he yells ‘Silence’ and then insults us. He even starts writing his Letterboxd reviews before the movie is even over. He’s really starting to piss us off. It doesn’t even make sense. Three of those likes were from us and the review itself wasn’t even his, Shawn said it but he doesn’t have a Letterboxd.”

According to those who work at Letterboxd, this sort of thing happens often.

“About once a month someone will get more than three likes on a review and have it go to their head,” said Holly Persaud, best known as one of the hands that holds the microphone as celebrities reveal their four favorites. “It usually lasts for a week or two but they come down to earth pretty quickly after none of their other reviews get any likes whatsoever. We estimate it’s happened to 99 percent of all Letterboxd users. Really every single user that doesn’t have a large following succumbs to this.”

At press time, Marks has started a Substack where readers can pay for his thoughts on film. It has zero subscribers.

Local Man Enjoys Playthrough of Prince of Persia in Spite of White Guilt

Posted on by Matt Fresh

SAN FRANCISCO — Bay Area gamer Wilson Holt has revealed that he is enjoying his time playing through the Prince of Persia series despite his feelings of white guilt.

“They’re really great games. I just finished Sands of Time and started Warrior Within. They hold up. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to enjoy them this much though. It feels a bit like cultural appropriation but also I’m not sure since I don’t know any Persian people in real life. Not by choice of course. I’m not avoiding them or anything. I’m totally not racist,” said Holt on social media.

According to Holt’s friends he has been apologetically raving about the games all week.

“Any time we talk about video games now he just goes on and on about Prince of Persia and he always acts like it’s wrong. He can never just praise it. He’s always prefacing it with things like ‘despite my lack of knowledge on the culture’ and ‘even though it feels stereotypical’. It’s really annoying. Just enjoy the game bro. He’s always acting like he’s failing some kind of purity test. It’s a nasty habit he probably picked up to make up for the fact his parents are super racist.”

Series creator Jordan Mechner weighed in claiming this happens often.

“White people have been feeling guilty about enjoying these games since I made the first one back in 89. It’s a common problem. But as the white American with white European ancestry who created the Prince of Persia series I can assure mister Holt and any other fans feeling white guilt that they are allowed to enjoy the games. They have my permission and that’s all they need.”

At press time, Holt was reportedly about to watch the 2010 film adaptation well known for its authentically white cast.

Final Fantasy 7 Fan Activates After Hearing Someone Proclaim Different Entry as Favorite

Posted on by Matt Fresh

CHICAGO — Tyson Smith, a self-described Final Fantasy 7 fanatic has been activated upon hearing someone proclaim Tactics as their favorite Final Fantasy game, sources close to Smith have confirmed.

“We were all having a nice friendly discussion about the games we were looking forward to. Mark said he was excited to play the Final Fantasy Tactics remaster since it’s his favorite Final Fantasy and Tyson just went ballistic,” said Smith’s friend Nicholas. “He started ranting and raving about how Mark wasn’t a real Final Fantasy fan and that Tactics was basically a spin-off and doesn’t count. Then he ended up on a tangent about how the world was doomed to destruction and only him and other Final Fantasy 7 fans would be left standing.”

Smith stated that hearing someone declare an entry other 7 as their favorite gave him the clarity to know what he must do.

“It had never even occurred to me before that there could be people out there with such incorrect opinions. I had heard of such things but assumed it was only internet bots since everyone with a brain knows 7 is the best Final Fantasy no contest. But now I know we have a lot of educating to do in the Final Fantasy community. We need to eradicate these fake fans, cull the weak while only the strong survive. The Clouds and the Sephiroths will prevail.”

Other members of the Final Fantasy fandom are not shocked to hear of Smith’s activation.

“Oh we know all about him. He gets triggered all the time in the subreddit,” said r/FinalFantasy mod MoogleMan. “Any time there’s a topic that praises literally any entry that isn’t 7 or one of the spin-offs of 7 he gets really upset and harasses people. I’m talking like hundreds of replies. Dude crashes out any time someone says 7 isn’t the greatest game ever made. We’re really ashamed of him, honestly, he makes the rest of us look bad.”

At press time, Smith was reportedly seen outside of a Gamestop in full Sephiroth cosplay harassing anyone purchasing Final Fantasy Tactics: The Ivalice Chronicles

Duffer Brothers Used Cutting-Edge CGI to Make Actors Appear Happy to Still Be Making Stranger Things

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — Stranger Things creators Matt and Ross Duffer have revealed that they used CGI in the upcoming season to make the actors appear happy to still be making the long-running show.

“CGI technology really saved us,” said The Duffer Brothers, speaking in unison. “During the production of season five, we were looking at the actors now and comparing them to when the show started during the Obama presidency, and we realised we were definitely going to need some tweaks if we wanted people to believe these actors didn’t want to kill themselves. Every day they would finish shooting, and we’d hear them crying about how tired they were and how much they believed themselves to be cursed. Galen Matarazzo kept asking us if we were trickster gods sent to punish him, and we just laughed and stared at him until he walked away.”

Scanline, the VFX house which creates the show’s scenes in the Upside Down and creatures like the Mind Flayer, revealed their staff were working crunch hours to complete the CG fixes needed for the fifth season.

“It’s been hard,” said head of VFX, Luka Alamein, in between shotgunned cans of Monster energy. “Designing monsters and action sequences is fun and imaginative. But what kind of sick fuck could imagine these human beings still being happy to be making this show? When we heard each episode of season five was going to be 90 minutes long, we had to lock off access to the roof for fear of jumpers. We’ve had a mass exodus of staff to MCU movies where they know they’ll get regular beatings from their Disney bosses, but at least they get to keep their souls.”

Netflix boss John Johnson knows that the process has been challenging but worth it.

“Everyone here at Netflix is dedicated to making the best TV around,” said Johnson after deciding to cancel three more beloved Netflix shows to fund the VFX. “Yes, when the cast started making this show, they were children and full of life, and yes, we harvested the light behind their eyes for profit. But that doesn’t mean the IP doesn’t remain strong. Who knows? If season five does well, maybe we’ll keep it going. Maybe we’ll milk this cash cow until it’s nothing but bones. I just love television so much!”

Winona Ryder could not be reached for comment as she’s hesitant to take some time away from the portrait that keeps her looking young.

Supreme Court Strips Samus Aran of All Previous Suit Power-Ups in 6-3 Ruling

Posted on by Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that bounty hunter Samus Aran must surrender all suit power-ups prior to the start of an upcoming mission, characterizing her acquisition of new gear as theft.

“Ms. Aran is an independent contractor who happened upon these power-ups in-mission,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote for the majority in the 6-to-3 decision. “When it comes to the intellectual property of the Galactic Federation, ‘finders keepers’ goes out the window. Power-ups like Ms. Aran’s morph ball or her screw attack are not hers to keep and therefore, they shall be returned to the rightful owners upon mission’s end, usually indicated by some planetary explosion.”

While Aran is not new to losing powers at the start of a new mission, the court’s ruling goes a step further and strips the independent galactic bounty hunter of her power suit.

“I personally wanted to strip her of the zero suit as well, but it turns out she bought that with her own space money,” Justice Brett Kavanaugh said in support of the majority before shotgunning a Keystone Light beer on the steps outside of the Supreme Court Building. “We cannot have independent galactic bounty hunters running around with ice beams or power bombs. Sure, those power-ups make things safer for an independent galactic bounty hunter, especially with X Parasites running amok, but we have IP holders to consider.”

In a heated dissent, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote that the court’s ruling will set independent galactic bounty hunters back 40 years.

“Independent galactic bounty hunters have always had it hard, but it just got harder for them with the court thumbing the scale,” Justice Sotomayor wrote while the rest of the Justices attended Justice Kavanaugh’s post-session kegger. “Established galactic bounty hunters, with the backing of mega space corporations will be just fine. It is the smaller independent galactic bounty hunters who will suffer. They could be tracking down brand-new power-ups we have never heard of and taking on challenging new missions. Instead, they are tracking down their fifteenth Gravity Suit.”

At press time Aran had arrived on an uncharted planet for her latest mission and happened upon a cliffside door that was just out of her reach.

Pokémon Legends: Z-A Includes Feature Where You Can Turn Game Off & Go Do Something Else

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

HOUSTON — Fans from all over the country have reported that one of the most exciting and innovative features of the new “Pokémon Legends: Z-A” game is that it allows the player to exit the game, turn off their Nintendo Switch, and go do something else entirely whenever they want, per sources.

“Game Freak has truly done it again,” long-time Pokémon player Tom Lee told the press. “With each new generation, you can expect that they’re pushing the technology to its very limits and seeing what’s possible. As I’m playing “Legends: Z-A”, I’ll often walk up to an NPC and their dialogue is about smelling their Pokémon or some shit, which pisses me off so badly that I suddenly remember the extra feature they included this time around. That’s when I turn off my Switch, stand up, walk into my kitchen and start doing the dishes or making myself some lunch. It’s the most immersed I’ve ever felt while playing.”

When approached for comment, Game Freak designer Rei Murayama had the following to say:

“What can we say, we just really enjoy putting the freak in Game Freak, am I right? Haha, but on a serious note, we’re always striving to make each new Pokémon game more interactive. With “Pokémon Go” in 2016, we got people outside and talking to each other. Now, with “Pokémon Legends: Z-A”, we want those in-person interactions to happen more naturally, without any gameplay to keep them distracted while doing so. To that end, we set this game in one of the most bland and visually uninteresting places imaginable, Lumiose City. We feel that this barrage of nothingness in-game will encourage people to take a break from it all, step out of their homes and perhaps appreciate the outside world just a little bit more.”

Journalists have had mixed reactions to the game, but some have called the experience one of the most unique in recent memory.

“The gameplay loop is very interesting,” reporter Samantha Weiss said in a statement. “The real-time combat system sets it apart from the turn-based combat of entries past, but what interests me the most is when you just can’t stand looking at the endlessly copy and pasted jpeg windows and stop playing completely. Then, while you’re doing your laundry or out grocery shopping, you think to yourself, “you know, I should give it another shot.” So you start playing it again, only to turn it off fifteen minutes later. It’s a fascinating cycle that just continues to surprise.”

At press time, Pokémon players everywhere were observed agreeing that maybe it was time to just leave the series alone for a little while.

Americans Now Required to Watch 60 Second Ad for SNAP Benefits

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — With SNAP benefits returning amid the end of the government shutdown, President Trump and Clash of Clans have partnered to add a new ad-based tier of benefits for all SNAP recipients, sources confirm.

“It’s with great pleasure that I announce the end of free government handouts! I have negotiated with the good folks at Supercell an “ad based,” have you ever heard of something like this? It’s never been done before. They’re calling it “ad based” benefits,” said the President in response to a question on the war in Ukraine. “Instead of just getting food stamps for nothing–like some of these illegal aliens are doing–you’re gonna have to watch a little tiny commercial on your phone from the great people at Clash of Clans.”

This abrupt restructuring of the EBT system has sparked chaos within the Capitol and across the country. Senators, Representatives, and experts are all arguing the logistics of such a capitalistically motivated sale of basic human rights.

“I do not know anything about this decision. I also do not know anything about Clash of Clans, I am not familiar with games on cell phones, and I do not know what President Trump is ever doing,” said Speaker Mike Johnson to the press. “But if this is something the President wants to do, then he has the right to do so. Americans voted for a mandate, and President Trump believes this ad for Clash of Clans will filter out the illegals that steal from hard-working Americans.”

Americans who need these benefits have grown frustrated by Democratic leadership, and now must waste their own precious time watching unskippable ads.

“I don’t give a fuck about raids, I don’t know what the hell a hog rider is, and I do not have the damn time to watch a video game ad everytime I need to feed my child,” said Michelle Luna, SNAP recipient and local D.C. resident. “And now my kids are hooked on the game, begging me to buy them gems so they can max out their town hall, meanwhile I can barely make rent this month!”

At press time, President Trump has announced a Clash Royal tournament will take place this December on the White House lawn.

Trump Denies He Was Good Friends with Leisure Suit Larry

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump issued a vehement denial about the rumor that he was good friends with known sex pest Leisure Suit Larry, according to nearby sources.

“Are you people really still asking me about Leisure Suit Larry?” replied Trump in response to a reporter’s question about the ceasefire in the Middle East. “Like I said before, I barely knew the guy. When you’re as influential as I am you cross paths with a million different people. It’s possible that I may have bumped into him at a casino in Lost Wages, or in the dressing room of one of my Miss Universe pageants where I sometimes liked to do business. You can get a lot of business done in those dressing rooms believe me. You can do whatever you want in there no matter what those girls say. ”

Leisure Suit Larry, whose real name is Larry Laffer, countered Trump’s claim that they didn’t have a close friendship. 

“I can’t believe he said that, we were definitely homies!” stated Larry before wolf whistling at an attractive woman who walked by. “I used to party with the Donald all the time. One time I remember inviting him to Muffington Island, but he blew me off at the last second to spend time with his new best friend, some guy named “Jeff”, who apparently had his own “way cooler” island. I eventually had to stop hanging out with the guy because he was really starting to worm me out. If anyone should be embarrassed about our relationship, it should be this guy.”

Right-wing commentator Megyn Kelly defended Trump amid the allegations.

“Politics is all about optics. This is a blatant attempt by the Democrats to sully Trump’s reputation and it’s being backed by the corrupt mainstream media,” said Kelly on her SiriusXM show to her over 4 million Youtube subscribers. “Just because clear evidence exists linking them, including a photo of Larry attending Trump’s wedding, and a very troubling video of the two of them leering at a group of young women dancing, that doesn’t mean they were good friends. Even if they were, what’s the big deal, is Larry even an actual sex pest, I’m not so sure.”

At press time, Trump denied that a newly discovered birthday card from him to Larry was authentic and insisted anyone who knows him knows that that isn’t how he draws ejaculating penises.