Press "Enter" to skip to content

Number Muncher to Be Publicly Executed for Role in 2008 Financial Crisis

NEW YORK — More than a decade after the 2008 financial crisis shook the world economy, the United States government has finally passed judgment on the perpetrators by sentencing the Number Muncher to capital punishment.

“The American people have waited too long for a response from their government for these crimes,” said President Joe Biden at a press briefing Wednesday. “I stand here glad that justice is being brought to the Number Muncher, who as we all know is closely associated with numbers, both economic and otherwise.”

In a lengthy trial held last spring, federal prosecutors presented seemingly ironclad evidence tying Mr. Muncher to the collapse of the U.S. housing market and the large-scale looting of the American working class to bail out powerful financial institutions.

“Were some firms offering mortgages at intentionally misleading and criminal rates? We can’t know,” argued prosecutor Dean Archeson. “But we do know this: the number 4 was present countless times throughout the ordeal. Along with 0, 6, 2 and many more.”

While the harsh sentence caused alarm from some civil rights organizations, many citizens expressed relief that something is finally being done.

“I lost my job, my house, and my retirement savings in 2009. I lost it all,” explained Trisha Cornwallis, leaving the parking lot of a Newark supermarket between shifts at her three jobs. “I don’t know if he ate them, or what he did, but that green freak has got to go.”

The televised execution of the Number Muncher is set for October 15 on the White House lawn, where he will be chained to the ground and consumed alive by Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen.