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Nostalgic Gamer Yearns for When Games Didn’t Exist

NEW YORK — Outspoken local gamer Danyal Cannon voiced his frustrations with the current state of games dating back to their inception, multiple sources confirmed.

“All games are shit now. The last time I played a good video game was never,” said Cannon, inaudibly through one of those original out-of-the-box Xbox 360 headsets. “I’ve bought every Call of Duty and they’ve all sucked shit through an intestinal straw. The next one’ll be awful too, but I’ve hated it for far too long to stop now. This hobby is my entire identity, and that’s way more important than my happiness. We should just go back to a time when games were good, like when they were nothing but a skidmark of an idea on the smooth brain of some loser computer scientist in the 60s. Before it all went to shit.”

Cannon’s concerned mother, Danyella Cannon, remains troubled by the lack of fulfillment her son’s favorite hobby brings him. 

“Some people need to be nicer to my baby boy. When I hear him screaming down in the basement it breaks my heart to think about how nasty everyone must be acting towards him,” said Cannon, holding her 34-year-old son in her arms like a baby while he napped. “Danyal’s never, ever, ever had anger issues except for at school, work, and in relationships, so I think there’s something wrong with these games. Maybe if they were more positive? Like, instead of shooting people, you could do hugs. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?”

Ronny Lotick, renowned gaming publisher, weighed in on Cannon’s criticism.

“To all the gamers out there who hate every moment they spend gaming, we hear you, and we appreciate your completely valid criticisms scattered throughout your death threats,” said Lotick, appearing to have a cyanide pill tucked away in his cheek. “That’s why today we’re announcing the world’s first AAA non-game. For only $70 plus mandatory microtransactions and DLC, we will offer the disgruntled gamer a gaming experience that can’t possibly be frustrating. It’s basically just a screen-saver that plays addictive sound effects that make you feel good about yourself.”

At press time, Cannon was seen playing jacks, complaining about how the bouncy ball is “too bouncy.”