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Nintendo Switch 2 Getting Day One Joy-Con Drift

REDMOND, Wash. — Earlier today, Nintendo announced that each Nintendo Switch 2 will come preloaded with Joy-Con drift upon release.

“We know a lot of you were disappointed with the Joy-Con drift in the original Nintendo Switch,” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, during a Nintendo Direct stream. “I lost sleep knowing that so many console players weren’t getting the full Nintendo Switch experience. That’s why with our new console, I personally promise that each and every Nintendo Switch 2 will come preloaded with Joy-Con drift. No one should have to play the latest edition of Mario Kart without unintentionally steering into a wall.”

Before the excitement of preloaded Joy-Con drift could wear off, Bowser shared more juicy details about the upcoming console.

“I’m also here to announce the return of a beloved staple to many Switch players. You’ve been shouting for it since its original release in 2017,” Bowser said, grabbing the ear of every Hollow Knight fan within a 250-mile radius of the stream. “Today, I can finally announce that we at Nintendo are proud to welcome the return of the flimsy Nintendo Switch kickstand. You asked. We answered. Take that, Steam Deck!”

Even with these huge announcements from the Big N, some gamers left the Nintendo Direct concerned about the future of the company and its new console.

“Do you guys ever think we deserve this? Like really. Nintendo feeds us slop because we just lap it up, no questions asked,” started one highly upvoted Reddit post on r/Nintendo. “Yeah, the day one Joycon drift and the return of the flimsy kickstand are awesome, but where the hell is my next-gen Starfox? It’s been two whole console generations since Star Fox Zero. Where is Fox McCloud, Doug? You can wave all these fancy bells and whistles in our face, but until I see some proof of life on the series, I cannot commit to a Switch 2.”

At press time, Bowser had been stuffed in the trunk of a car by a masked militia of angry Hollow Knight and Star Fox fans.

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