REDMOND. Wash. — Nintendo has continued its brazen litigious patterns of late, issuing a cease and desist order to your one friend that has always pronounced the name of the company’s iconic plumber hero as “May-rio.”
“The heck ya talkin’ about?” said Glenn Gregory, your pal from high school that you still play games with online sometimes. “I just got this fuckin’ letter that says if I don’t start pronouncing Mario’s name right they’re going to forbid me from ever purchasing or using a Nintendo product ever again. What the fuck?”
While many feel the company has been overstepping lately in terms of telling consumers what they can and can’t do with their characters and products, company representatives have defended the recent decisions.
“We have a brand, and our brand is important to us,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “So whether it’s an old version of Melee running on unauthorized NetCode, or some burnout homey of yours that never bothered to learn how to pronounce the biggest character in video games’ name, we will not sit by and watch our legacy be tarnished. Not during this, the year of our company’s savior, Mario.”
Many gamers, however, have grown livid over Nintendo’s confusing priorities.
“Okay so let me get this straight,” said local gamer Troy Cannon. “Instead of bringing more retro games to their online service, introducing a Netflix app, dealing with their faulty hardware, or getting Metroid out, they are going to go after Glenn because he says ‘Mario,’ the weird way? Boy, I hope Nintendo never goes to Long Island, their heads would explode.”
As of press time, Nintendo had finally pardoned your uncle, following the 25 years of solitary confinement he was sentenced to after revealing to you that Nintendo 64 was going to be four players.
Like this article? Check out our merch store!
